When God comes 'round the counter

wenderly.com

It has been a very long time since I have written in this blog.  I think consistency in the midst of distractions and an overwhelming number of tasks has been a significant struggle for me, but I am hoping that I can improve in being more consistent, particularly in the new year.  Prayers for me for increased consistency in the "smaller things" of life would be appreciated.

I was sitting in a Starbucks about two to three weeks ago, dedicating some time to studying.  I was spending a lengthy amount of time in Starbucks that morning and had seen tens of customers rush in and out of the store.  During one of the slower periods of customer traffic, the associate behind the counter came around to the front of the counter and was adjusting the displays.  A customer walked into the store and approached the counter to order while the associate was still in front of the counter.  Rather than return to behind the counter to take the customer's order, the associate took the customer's order in front of the counter in a very conversational manner.  The customer was clearly uncomfortable to order in front of the counter; after all, the customary thing to do is to order from someone behind the counter.  By remaining in front of the counter, the transaction took on a level of intimacy that does not normally occur between a Starbucks employee and a customer.  No longer was the man behind the counter an entity separated by the comfort of the counter, but he was now a real person having a real conversation about what the customer preferred to drink.  The associate was no longer a means to an end but a human servant.  I had never realized the importance of the counter - it provides us with a distinct separation from those who work behind it.  When the associate came around the counter, that separation had been eliminated.

As I sat and read, I realized that God had done the same thing for us through Jesus.  Jesus, the Son of God and God in human form, humbled Himself and came around the counter of sin and doubt and became a person with whom intimacy became possible.  No longer did God stand behind the counter, a deity to whom humans submit their request and then wait in hopes of a properly and quickly completed order.  "The Word (Jesus) became flesh and made his dwelling among us" (1 John 1:14).  An immediately uncomfortable yet progressively disarming intimacy is now possible.  No longer is God simply taking prayer requests and offering potential suggestions (whip or no whip with that?), He is engaging us in real conversation.  A distant God becomes a real God in Jesus because He became sin who knew no sin that we might become His righteousness (2 Corinthians 5:21).  God came around the counter when Jesus became flesh and entered the world and then destroyed the counter when Jesus died on the cross and rose from the grave.  The counter of sin was separated by the grace and person of Jesus, who is the means by which we can boldly communicate with God (Hebrews 4:16).  Now when we pray, we are not speaking to a distant God but are actively involved in an intimate conversation with a real person who genuinely cares about our lives.

I was so pleasantly surprised by the imagery during my seminary study that morning.  The whole scene gave value to the work I was doing.  I am thankful for God's mercy and that He came 'round the counter.  True story.

God throws in the towel

http://forum.thefreedictionary.com/

The expression "throwing in the towel" comes from boxing.  When boxers endure an awful beating at the hands of their opponents, coaches throw a towel into the ring and forfeit the match.  Oftentimes, the losing boxer becomes quite upset at the coach for throwing in the towel.  However, the coach is in a better position to observe the physical damage the boxer is suffering and is also not as emotionally invested in the fight as the boxer.  Every so often, we might hear someone say he feels like "throwing in the towel" and we know that means the person feels like giving up.  However, if we are true to the origins of the expression, we know that it is not the boxer who throws in the towel but the coach.

I have determined that there are times in our walk where God does throw in the towel.  This may seem contrary to the idea that God's strength can help us endure all things, but there are times when God says, "This child's had enough" or "This child has had too much."  While we may jump to argue against this theory, consider the arenas in which people fight today.  My friend recently lost his job and is currently employed only part time.  He is suffering through the pains of unemployment now, but recognizes that he was once dismissive and prideful about his work and thought that the job was beneath him.  Battling against the sin of pride, God saw he was taking a beating and threw in the towel.  Sure, he lost his job but he was humbled and his heart was rightly adjusted.  He lost a job, but he did not lose his communion with the Holy Spirit.  I spoke with another friend who ended a relationship because of some private struggles regarding obedience to God (do not let your imagination wander - it was a matter of the heart, not the flesh).  God removed the relationship from this man's life so he would not lose the fight against hardheartedness and disobedience.  The examples can go on and on.

Like the boxers who lose the match, Christians often become angry with God (their "coach").  They feel that God has forsaken them, punished them and abandoned them to encounter a very difficult consequence.  The problem is that humans do not see the spiritual consequences of not throwing in the towel, just like boxers do not see the possible physical outcome of remaining in the fight.  God is not giving up on us, but protecting us from the problems that are ahead.  Boxers ought to trust their coaches and Christians ought to trust God.  Does He have the best for us or does He not?

Next time we feel like throwing in the towel, we ought to remember that it is not ours to throw.  For those who follow Christ, our towels are in the hands of God.  Ask Him for rescue or ask Him for strength.  Do not tell Him what to do with your towel.  True story.

Guarding our essential tasks from the invasion of busyness

sovereigngraceministries.org

One of the things that annoys me the most about myself is my inability to be consistent.  I really love to blog but my seminary studies, small group ministries (two that I am leading at the moment), my work at the fire department as well as at the ambulance corp (where I was recently granted the role of chaplain) and my own personal life occupy my time.  Blogging, the gym and sleep seem to the be the first three things to go.  The irony is that those three things help me feel the most focused and "centered."  Though there are more events and tasks stacking on my plate, blogging (like sleep and the gym) is good for me.  I simply need to do it.

I wonder why humans abandon the most essential tasks when the "going gets tough."  In years of doing ministry on college campuses and being a graduate student myself, I know that college students typically sacrifice sleep and healthy eating when workloads are high and stress levels are increased.  When the schedule gets incredibly tight and appointments pile up, fast food quickly replaces healthy eating and gym time is replaced by meeting preparation time.  Oftentimes, poor habits develop and even some dangerous methods of escapism begin.  Students do not sleep, are overly stressed and then drink alcohol in excess to feel relief and escape cognitive and emotional exhaustion.  Essential tasks are eliminated from the schedule, poor habits replace the essential tasks, and some turn to sinful and irresponsible behavior to mollify the consequences of eliminating essential tasks.  Anyone who has been involved in college ministry for more than a semester recognize this awful cycle, though sometimes I wonder if students use "escapism" as their scapegoat for their fleshly and sinful behavior.

This cycle is not limited to college students.  It applies to all of us in one way or another, but it is especially dangerous to Christians.  When Christians get busy, personal quiet time and Bible reading are usually the first things to be thrown out of the schedule.  When busyness invades, personal devotion to communion with God tends to retreat.  Even if the calendar is packed with ministry, we often too occupied with the business of God and not intimately drawn to the person of God.  Surely this does not apply to all, but after years of ministry I can say without hesitation that it applies to many.

I think I am one of the busiest people I know.  I know that there are people who are much busier than me and have much fuller plates than I do, but I am too busy to get to know them.  For me, genuine conversation with God is replaced with half effort "popcorn prayer" in the car on the way to work and Bible reading is replaced by seminary study (which is not the same thing).  Gym and sleep are almost entirely removed from my schedule and overeating becomes my sinful comfort of choice.  Blogging is a thought far from my mind and the phone calls and text messages of friends are usually ignored with the thought of calling them later.

In his book The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis writes of a senior demon (Screwtape) who corresponds with a junior demon (Wormwood).  Screwtape is Wormwood's uncle and is coaching him how to afflict a person, particularly a churched person.  Screwtape refers to God as the "Enemy" and teaches Wormwood how to keep "his subject" far away from genuine intimacy with the enemy.  In the text below, C.S. Lewis describes what I am writing about with eloquence and wonderful execution:

"As long as they're volunteering anyway, an especially useful tactic is to keep them busy. Really busy. It's not hard to do, because they like to think the more work they do, the more spiritual they are. They help us out in this by using guilt to get others to volunteer, and some people will respond by volunteering without thinking it through. It's also easy for us because humans these days like to cram as many activities and responsibilities into their day as possible. Church staff and leaders are prone to super busyness because people will like them more if they get lots done. We're even more fortunate because humans are going through an economic downturn now, so they're often cutting back on staff but expecting the remaining staff to take on extra tasks. And all that rushing around to get everything done gives us lots of opportunities.

The busier they are, the more likely they will get tired and cranky with each other. We can have lots of fun when that happens. Keep them busy, and they don't take time to talk to each other. Even better, keep them too busy to listen to each other. We know things are going our way when other people become an interruption to them. Just keep reminding them that their tasks are much more important than people!

Keep them too busy to plan ahead. The less planning and prioritizing they do, the better. We're especially in good shape when they don't have time to evaluate what they're doing. If their work isn't effective, we don't have nearly as much to worry about.

When they're overly busy at church they often don't even notice that they aren't doing the other things the Enemy wants them to do, such as giving those physical bodies of theirs the rest, healthy food, and exercise it needs. If you work it right, you can even get them to neglect their family and their own time reading the Enemy's book because they're "too busy serving God." That's really fun to see! Keeping them serving at church can also help by keeping them away from people who are in our camp. We certainly don't want Christians influencing our people! 

Thanks, C.S. Lewis, for writing my blog for me.  You've told this true story with excellence.  Friends, we must fight to guard our "essential tasks."  We cannot allow Satan to occupy us with busyness at the expense of our spiritual health.

God still puts people in the belly of a whale

wwfblogs.org

I haven't blogged in quite some time.  It seems that every time I begin a blog, something happens that prevents me from blogging.  I become suddenly distracted or I encounter a stressful situation that leaves me with no desire to write.  Tonight, I fight through this to write in service to God.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.'" Matthew 16:24-25 (NIV)

"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.  But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." Matthew 19:29-30 (NIV)

Those verses used to excite me and now they trouble me.  In fact, there are a lot of things that used to excite me that now trouble me.  I used to see spray paint graffiti and skyscrapers and feel this passion in my heart for the inner city, where God is working miracles daily to the few laborers who choose to serve those who do not want to be served. Now I see expensive homes and nicely trimmed gardens and get excited.  I used to see the homeless and gang members and see ministry potential, but lately I've been regarding them as societal problems that a just and compassionate government can solve.  The very thing that I preach against is happening to me: the crisis of comfort.  And God was saying to me through the Bible that if I sought to be comfortable, I would be totally uncomfortable.

Jesus was so accurate when He told us that we must daily pick up our cross (Luke 9:23).  I think He put "daily" in there because of people like me.  I feel like I would pick up my cross until it led me to a three story home with a three car garage and then I would set up the cross as a lawn ornament.  God confronted my heart through His word not because I wanted security or comfort, but because I had forsaken Him as my source of comfort.  I realized that I was balancing my checkbook one too many times a week, looking at the overtime schedule too many days a week and planning for a future that I was not guaranteed.  It is not that planning and budgeting are sins.  The problem is that my plans are not obedience to God but a replacement of trust in God.  God wants us to pick up our cross, I wanted to hang a marble one.  The irony of it all is that the more I pursued comfort and the more I planned on how to be comfortable, the less comfortable I felt.  

Notice that Jesus tells those who want to be His disciple to pick up their crosses.  I think Satan has crafted a lie to the Church that we have embraced - that we can be believers without being disciples.  Somewhere, somehow, we started to believe that the call to discipleship is to elite and super holy Christians and the rest of us are simply believers to whom Christ's call to sacrifice does not apply.  We mix our idea of ministry with the comforts of this world, never truly knowing discipleship.  We embrace the American dream with a Christian twist and create a mixed lukewarm beverage of mediocrity and complacency with a dollop of "Bless this Lord" and hope for the best.  I think that mixed drink would taste awfully and I think that's why Jesus tells us that He will spit the lukewarm out of His mouth (Rev. 3:16).

I repented last night for placing my faith in comfort and not in God.  I have to forsake houses and fields for the sake of God's Kingdom.  I do not want to be lukewarm and I do not want to be spit out.  Yet even as I write this blog, my flesh resists its message.  "Maybe I'm called to live among this social group to do ministry" or "Surely, God has prosperity for my life."  And then I think, "God doesn't want me to do something that I don't want to do.  He would give me a desire to do something if He planned for me to do it."  I have to recognize that those are not thoughts from Jesus.  How do I know?  Because God put a guy named Jonah in the stomach of a big fish until he finally decided to listen to God to go to a different social group where he would not be prosperous.  Whales don't go around swallowing folk anymore, but if we look at our lives through the lens of Jesus we might see our own version of a whale.  We might find that our jobs, our inability to have success in relationships, our financial struggles, our inability to move forward in our lives and so on are actually the answers to our prayers.  And God keeps us in these whales until we say, "Here I am, Lord, send me.  I'll pick up my cross daily and follow you."

My hope is that I will be spit out of a whale and not by Jesus.  True story.

Jesus has me in boot camp?

rch-phd.com

I am preaching a couple Sundays in August and I'm really looking forward to speaking.  I have so much fun when I speak and I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  Sometimes I throw pity parties for myself (no one ever comes, though everyone is invited) because I only feel like I come alive when I'm speaking or leading worship, which combined I think I do about six times a year.  I endure a whole bunch of monotony until I can head to the next speaking or worship event.

There are times I long for the days of college (which were only two years ago), when I was planning events, coordinating with churches, speaking a minimum of twice per week.  I worked with a team of incredible people who all supported each other.  All night prayer sessions and prophetic prayer walks were the norm.  Now I'm the weird Jesus-freak guy answering your 911 calls and making the "I'm not religious" firefighters nervous to say hello in the morning.  "Walk by quickly, maybe he won't see me."  After ten years of doing my best (or at least offering minimal effort) to follow Jesus, I know that we Jesus lovers are a bunch of weirdos who don't cuss nearly enough and think house fires could be put out with some prayer (and a hose).  Sometimes I pray for the guys when they go to a call if the call sounds like it could be trouble.  I also pray for the cops when they are pursuing someone or going to a dangerous situation.  They don't know it, but I think Jesus can take the credit for three successful foot chases since I've started here.  "God, please let them catch the guy and keep them safe" followed by the radio call of the cops "We got 'em, we got 'em, slow it down."

I start seminary classes on August 20.  I was debating for three years if I should attend seminary.  I guess God got tired of my dillydallying because He brought me a friend with an envelope who said, "Have you been troubled about attending seminary because of money?"  "Um, yes, Jesus freak weirdo guy with good insight."  "Here's an envelope, it's got $1,000 in it.  Don't thank me, thank God."  I was accepted into seminary within three weeks.  I'll dispatch overnights while reading about Jesus and maybe catch up on Lost on Netflix, though I'm told the ending is awful (don't ruin the misery for me).  Sounds ideal, doesn't it?  Sounds like God pieced it all together.  I'm in a forced monasticism of dispatch and seminary, living out the emergency medical tech's version of being a monk.  If the guys start calling me Brother Stephen, I'm gonna stop shaving my head so I can have the old man horseshoe look and start showing up wearing brown hoodies.

All of this should point to the sovereign and divine arm of the Creator, leading and directing the steps of my life.  There are nights when I am so overwhelmed with thankfulness that I am speechless despite the fact that there is no one here with me to listen.  Then there are shifts like tonight, where I spend time reading about faith in the news, the division in the churches, the poor who need to meet someone who represents Jesus, the homosexual marriage activists who think all Christians are bigoted and judgmental, the victims of gang and gun violence (which is clearly a problem of gun legislation, not a sin problem), how we're supposed to boycott eating Chick-fil-a now because the CEO "hates gays" (but if Christians boycott a Planned Parenthood we're against women's rights and full of more hatred - can anyone take a Christian stance now without being hated?), and I get frustrated.  Jesus, you want me in this small 911 center reading books and answering phones while my brothers and sisters around the world get killed for Your cause?  I'm supposed to stay here in my quiet little room by myself and reflect while the spiritual war between Satan and Your children wages on?  I'm like the guy who gets put on the bench so the big boys can out and play.  At least that's how I feel some days.

I'm not unappreciative, though it sounds like I am.  I am incredibly thankful that God has granted me a solid job, a good church, a good girlfriend, and a solid education.  I just feel like a boy in basic training who wants to see action in the field, the cadet in the police academy who wants to do more than make his bed the proper way for morning inspection.

I know there's value in this time, that no soldier is eligible for promotion without attending basic training and officer candidate school.  I know it is an honor to serve the Lord at all, to even be extended His grace and mercy, to have a place before His throne.  And by the grace and prompting of God, I will do the best I can to obey Him and use this time wisely, to fight in prayer where I cannot physically go and lend my hand.  I will take this time to learn about my Creator, to understand His heart, and to spend more time in silence and adoration of the God who has called me.  I'm not being stubborn or resentful, angry or bitter.  In fact, there are days where I'm more sad than anything else, wishing that I was somewhere than I'm not.

--I wrote the above a few days ago. I had to stop writing because my shift ended and I never took the time post it.  I'm going to post it as is and not add a nice, catchy conclusion that involves the words "true story."  I think that kind of describes how it is to work here in the middle of the night.  No real conclusion, no real answers to what's next.  It sort of satisfies my need for adventure.  Until next time, sports fans.

How do we know God's listening?

betteroffread.com

 "Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself; the LORD will hear when I call to him."  Psalm 4:3 NIV

I have been discouraged lately because I feel my prayers do not go farther than the ceiling.  There are moments when I sit here at work, bow my head to pray and feel like my prayers don't go farther than the ceiling.  I've tried dimming the lights, lighting candles, playing worship music, standing, sitting, kneeling, walking laps around the firetrucks, sitting in total silence and journaling my prayers.  I still feel like I'm talking to myself.  There are times when I feel moments of incredible peace, where I can feel chills run through my body and feel the overwhelming sense of God in the place.  Those moments quickly fade and lately, I've felt a continual sense of nausea instead.

I've been one of those "touchy feely" Christians for a long time.  I use phrases like "I feel God is leading me here" or "I can sense God is saying that" or "I felt God tell me this."  However, I'm questioning the validity of following my feelings when it comes to prayer.  Lately, I haven't had one of those emotionally reassuring prayer times where God's presence is tangible.  I haven't felt the heaviness of God's hand on my shoulder or the surge of the Holy Spirit's power in my heart.  I noticed that when I stopped feeling those things, I stopped praying.  That's bad.  Somehow I have determined that if I cannot feel those positive sensations, I think that God isn't listening.  Yet the scripture above says that God hears the godly when they call out to Him.  And I know that the Scriptures also say that because of Jesus, we can comfortably call ourselves godly and approach the throne.  I can reach two conclusions: I either lose confidence in the Bible because my emotional experience is lacking or I can lose confidence in my feelings because they are misleading me.  So I've lost all confidence in my feelings.  I've determined there must be regulation of my feelings, a sense of logic and direction upon which I can determine if my feelings are generated by the Holy Spirit and righteous inclinations or by my own selfish ambition or oppressive spiritual forces of darkness.  

After reflection and thought, I am confident that the regulatory truth that determines if the motives of my heart are godly must be the Bible.  If I cannot feel or perceive something and the Scriptures teach me that the something I cannot feel indeed exists, the Scriptures ought to hold more weight.  If I feel that I am doing something righteous but the Scriptures tell me my behavior is sin, I should obey the Scriptures and not my own personal desires.  Ultimately, the Bible must be the "be all and end all" in terms of morality and truth.  Though recently I do not feel like God hears me when I speak to Him, the Bible tells me that he has set apart the godly for himself and hears us when we call.  The truth of the Scriptures must reign supreme over my personal sensation that I am talking to myself.

I wish I could have the confidence of David, the writer of Psalm 4.  David spoke to God, called out to Him and knew that God would answer Him.  There is no optimistic hope that God might hear His call.  The verse doesn't say, "I think God has set me apart, I hope He hears my prayer."  David is entirely confident that God hears him when he prays.  And this was before the Holy Spirit came to live in the hearts of believers (for more than a moment) and before Jesus became our sin so we can become God's righteousness.  David has an impressive level of comfort in the truth that His God loved him and heard his cries.  Even with the knowledge of Christ crucified and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, my confidence wavers based upon my emotional experience.

mommylife.net

In what have I placed my confidence?  My feelings?  The sensation that God is with me?  Or the truth that the Bible is valid and that it tells me that God hears me when I pray?  It's got to be the Bible, it's got to be the mind-boggling, overwhelming, powerful truth that the God of the Universe pays attention to me.  I feel so small in the presence of such a large God that I think He must hear me the way I hear the buzz of a fly.  Yet the Bible says He set believers apart and that He hears us when we call to Him.  If I follow my feelings, God has abandoned me.  If I believe the truth of the Scriptures, God hears every word that I speak to Him.  I have to believe the Bible over my feelings because my feelings tell me lies and the Scriptures tell me truth.  

Where does my emotionally based theology originate?  I think there are three major forces at work that contribute to my inaccurate gauge of God's presence: (1.) worship settings, (2.) my flesh, and (3.) Satan and spiritual force of darkness.

1. I notice that a good portion of the evangelical church's worship services and teachings are designed to evoke a certain level of emotionalism.  Often songs and services manipulate the fragility of human emotion to create a somewhat artificial experience of God's presence.  Lights, songs, fog on the stage, a dark room, a cool video, and a powerful teaching can make even the most ardent of atheists believe they might have left earth for an hour.  I am not saying that these things are intrinsically bad and that we should not utilize them.  I see their purpose and I think they are fantastic tools to create an aesthetically pleasing atmosphere.  I do think, however, that the unintentional consequence is that we can begin to think God's presence is the same as our emotional reaction to the "cool" elements that characterize our worship services. I know I make that connection.  Perhaps I am digressing a bit here, but I think that we may be creating a false expectation of our personal prayer times.  Simply put, it's not nearly as cool and emotional  in our devotional time as it is when we are at church or a conference.
2. I know that my flesh plays a major role in my emotional perspective.  I worship God and pray selfishly sometimes.  I want to feel God and I want to know He still loves me.  I do not think there is anything wrong with enjoying God's presence, but so many of our worship experiences are designed to get us to feel God's love and feel God's presence.  We want to feel the love of God explode (Kim Walker, anyone?) in our lives.  I think my flesh, our flesh, can tempt us to make reading the Bible and worship about our own experience.  How many times have we said or heard others say, "The worship didn't really do anything for me."  It's crazy to think that we might feel that the worship is about us.  It shouldn't do anything for us because the worship is not about us.  I've so closed tied emotions to experiencing God that absence of emotion in my faith suggests that God isn't involved.  That's dangerous.
3. Satan and spiritual forces of darkness are always warring against us, telling us lies and ensuring that our relationship with God is based upon anything but the Scriptures.  He knows the Bible is truth and that prayer conforms our hearts to God's image so he'll do anything to ensure we don't read the Bible and that we don't pray.

God is the ultimate source of all things good.  Any type of pleasantry is rooted in the benevolence of God.  Even the ability to feel is a blessing extended by God, granted when He created humanity in His perfect image.  The fluidity of human emotion, our ability to vacillate and experience all the sensations between bliss and rage, is a reflection of our infinitely emotional and compassionate Creator God.  Yet it is a sin to pursue the positivity that accompanies knowing God.  When we elevate feelings of peace and pursue an evangelical version of the Buddhist nirvana rather than seeking the actual Source of all love and goodness, we have created an idol of emotional experience.  We must obey the Scriptures, worship God and seek first His Kingdom despite our feelings.  If we question whether our prayers are heard or if obedience is fruitful for our spirits because we do not emotionally identify with the spoken prayer or the Scriptures at hand, we will see how the heart is truly deceitful above all things.  We do not obey the Scriptures or pray because we feel that doing so is a novel idea or because we think it is good for us.  These are selfish ambitions.  Rather we obey the Scripture because the Author and Finisher of our Faith, the penman of divine truths, has told us to because it glorifies His Name.  When our obedience and our worship is even partly motivated by our own desire for personal emotional balance or "doing something good" for ourselves, we are not fully submitted to God.  When we examine our motives in the absolute pure light of God's jealous demand for our undivided worship, we recognize that sin has cursed us more deeply than we ever understood.  How much more thankful we are for Christ when we see that we cannot worship God without thinking of ourselves!

 The key points here?

• Our faith cannot be based upon our feelings or experiences, but on the truth of the Scriptures.
• Our feelings and experiences can enhance our faith, but they can also be misleading and destructive.
• All of our feelings ought to be examined and held to the light of God's truth.
• Any feelings that steer us away from God instead of towards Him must be confronted and dealt with.
• Pursuing good feelings instead of pursuing a good God is a bad idea.

I've been writing about this for more than two hours now, so I think it's time for me to take a break.  I know this isn't a cute "Chicken Soup for the Soul" style story with a nice moral at the end, but it's the true story of my innermost thoughts and concerns regarding my walk with God.  There's no truer story for my life at this moment than what I've shared with you today.

I'm struggling. What the heck is ministry anyway?

sodahead.com

I am sitting in the Starbucks section of the Fairfield University Bookstore, drinking a low fat caramel frap and a turkey bacon, egg white and cheddar cheese breakfast sandwich.  It took me about 40 minutes to determine where I wanted to eat this morning.  After a short shift on the ambulance and a few hours before my next appointment, I need to kill time.  I went to the gym, realized that I left my sneakers at home, looked down at my duty boots and thought, "I'll have to go to the gym later."  So what do people do who struggle to live healthily when they forget their gym gear?  They go out to eat.  Thus, here I am.

I'm sitting next to a man who seems not to be too mentally stable.  He talks to himself, he's wearing a hospital bracelet and has a backpack full of prescription medications.  Then again, I'm the guy in Starbucks with military pants, tactical boots, a uniform shirt with a badge and a paracord bracelet in case I need to apply a tourniquet to my frap to stop it from leaking.  The insane man, who hopefully will not read my blog, is reading his Bible while I type away on my laptop.  He actually looks interested in the book.  I read a few verses and think I've done some good devotional work and go blog about it.  He sits here and reads the thing like it's a novel.  I'm more faithful to the biography of Abraham Lincoln I'm reading than to my Bible reading.

I've been evaluating my life quietly in my mind for a little bit now (the guy next to me does this aloud).  My pastor and I were chatting a few weeks ago and he told me, "Don't feel badly for thinking that you're not doing ministry.  You've been adjusting to a new life, a new job, and working in fields that require you to help people."  I still feel badly.  I read these loosey goosey "progressive" justice books about Jesus and I feel like doing anything nice now is ministry.  I mean, seriously, I talk to the clerk at Stop and Shop and I think I'm "being Jesus" to that woman. I ask a waiter how his day is going and I think that might have been a "Holy Spirit encounter."  I mean, really?  That's not fullness of life, that's just common decency.  Even Satan can be nice to the clerk.  Basically, I feel like I'm being lazy.  I could blog more, but that's so selfish, you know?  People read my stuff, they say "Oh I love your blog" and then I'm all like "thanks."  Yeah, I'm really suffering for Jesus.

The American mode of evangelism is changing though.  We are evolving from a "crusade" and "come to the altar" type of evangelism to an interpersonal relationship evangelism.  We follow the Holy Spirit's guidance and direction as to how we are to share our love for Jesus with others.  Sometimes that means sharing the Gospel full out and sometimes that means just being really gentle and loving with someone.  I'm learning that rather than force feeding Jesus to people, the Holy Spirit will actually reveal exactly what needs to be done or said at an exact moment to push that person on his or her journey towards Jesus.  I have been trying to follow the Holy Spirit on this new way of witnessing and as I reflect, I've had very natural Gospel based conversations in the past few weeks with those who don't believe.

My stream of consciousness blog is helping me reach a conclusion.  I think that showing up at a weekly meeting or appointment or attending a monthly event or outreach helps us feel that our lives have "ministry."  And sure, these scheduled events might be wonderful.  What about the rest of our lives though?  And because my schedule does not permit me regular meetings and doing cool events where I get a free t-shirt that tells people when my church meets, I feel like I am not doing anything for Jesus.  I think I have to redefine ministry then.  By our traditional definition of ministry my life has none, yet it has a lot of Jesus.  My life has no church events (except regular weekly attendance), but it has prayer and Bible readings (even though I'm not always excited to crack open the big book).  I don't wear a church t-shirt or have a bumper sticker that says that "Jesus is my co-pilot" (which makes no sense theologically by the way), but I wear a uniform with a badge and I answer and respond to emergency calls for a living, putting me in contact with the "least of these" more than Christian concerts do.  My life has no ministry and I feel awful about it, but I don't feel far from Jesus or like a lost sheep who needs to be brought home to the other 99.

People tell me that my ministry is "outside of the box," but what is the box?  Is the box the problem?  Is the box the reason why Islam is the fasting growing religion worldwide and the center of Christianity is now Africa, where there are more miracles happening now than in all of American history?  How do I address this crisis within my mind that I am not serving God because I am not doing typical ministry things but at the same time I want to serve others and really love people in different ways?  I feel like I'm not doing enough because I'm not really suffering, not really feeling that I've lost everything for the sake of the Kingdom.  In fact, I've gained.  I've got a solid job, a wonderful girlfriend, I'm healthier than I've been in years and well, I look good bald (joking...).  How do I reconcile "out of the box" ministry with the Gospel and with the American mold of ministry and evangelism?

I can't (nor do I want to) redefine the Gospel.  I can't undo my calling to serve others in unique ways and "to love the unlovable" as God has shared with me directly and through others to do.  Therefore, I have to redefine ministry and evangelism.  Yeah, that's not a daunting task (note sarcasm).  I guess that is the adventure though, right?

My conservative friends think I'm too liberal and I need to go before the altar to tarry and wait for a specific "inside the church office" calling (because that is the only place where God is moving) while my liberal friends think I'm too conservative and that I just need to drink with the drunks to really relate.  I think they're both nuts.  This is my true story.  It's politcally incorrect, religiously incorrect, and possibly grammatically correct.  It's my life though.  And I'm thankful for it.  True story.

A four-year-old gave me a prophesy

sketchesbypaul.wordpress.com.
This is not Aubrey.

A week or so ago I went to Washington, D.C. to visit some friends.  After examining several options of travel, I narrowed down my choices to either driving my car by myself or taking the train to NYC to take a bus from NYC directly to Washington, D.C.  I equivocated for quite some time, arguing with myself about which would be the best way to travel.  I could drive, which would be convenient and the most enjoyable, or I could use public transit, which would be environmentally friendly and more financially responsible.  Since I was traveling alone, I decided to use public transit to honor God's creation and to use His money a little bit more wisely.

Lauren graciously agreed to take me to the train station.  I was working a double shift at work until 4:00 p.m. and was hoping to quickly pack and take a 5:00 p.m. train to NYC.  I tend to overestimate my ability to move quickly and get things done and didn't leave my house until 5:15 p.m.  Lauren and her precious four-year-old daughter Aubrey helped me pack and we decided that my travel plans would still work if I caught the 6:00 p.m. train.  We arrived at the train station with time to spare.  Lauren, Aubrey and I walked up to the train platform and waited for the train.  I was excited to have my two favorite ladies with me while I waited for the train.  Aubrey was in good spirits and was excited to be at a train station, where every train is Thomas the Train despite the train's appearance or size.

My train arrived and I did my last minute pocket check which includes a check for the following: my wallet, my cell phone, my keys and my badge.  Realizing I should have done this check long before my train arrived, my heart began to pound as I realized my cell phone was not in my pocket.  I quickly checked my bag and my cell phone was not there either.  Oh man.  This was bad.  I could not miss this train or I would miss my bus in NYC.  I looked at Lauren with a helpless look at Aubrey was yelling, "Stephen, get on the train!  Stephen, this is your train!"  I had to make a decision: no cell phone for a week without an ability to contact my friend to pick me up at the bus station in Washington or to miss this train and figure out alternative travel arrangements.  I picked my cell phone and watched my train leave the station.

We quickly ran back to Lauren's car, where my cell phone lay stuck between the passenger and the center console.  Once in the car, I used my phone to frantically research if I could catch the train at another train station.  While I looked up train times, Aubrey was innocently absolving herself of responsibility for me missing my train.  "Stephen, I screamed and yelled that the train was there, but you didn't listen!  Next time, I'll yell louder so you can get the train."  I told her it wasn't her fault.  She said, "I know, you forgot your phone, just don't forget it next time."  I laughed.  I was worried she was taking blame she didn't deserve.  She was just reminding me that I was wrong in the cutest way possible.

Lauren and I decided there was no way I could catch the train at the next two to three stations, but we thought there was one train that we possibly may be able to catch.  The train would arrive in 30 minutes and we were forty minutes away by car.  We were determined to get me to that train station to catch my train, but traffic and possible law enforcement activity could prohibit that from happening.  I was frustrated, annoyed with God a bit too. "What's the deal, Jesus?  Did you miss the prayer about smooth travel arrangements?  I chose all these inconveniences to honor you.  Remember that?"

With nothing left to lose, Lauren calmly chose to drive to the train station forty minutes away.  As she drove responsibly but swiftly, I turned around to look at Aubrey in her car-seat behind me.  "Aubrey, can I hold your hand?"  I asked.  She gave me a look unique to Aubrey.  "Um, why?"  I told her that I was nervous about missing my train and it would make me feel better.  "Stephen, we are going to get there with five minutes left," Aubrey prophesied.  I felt a sudden boost of confidence.  I looked over at Lauren, who was intently focused on driving, and told her about her daughter's prophecy about our arrival time.  She and I entertained Aubrey's guess, but I secretly really did believe our little passenger.

As Lauren drove, I turned around to look at Aubrey to see how she was faring while her mother and I were having minor panic attacks as we kept getting stuck behind slow cars in the passing lane.  (Okay, it was mostly me having minor panic attacks.)  When I turned, Aubrey had her hands folded in the praying position and was moving her mouth and stopped when I made eye contact with her.  "Aubrey, were you praying?!"  She denied praying, but it was obvious that she was embarrassed that I had caught her in a private moment.   I turned around to look back at the road to evaluate the traffic as we approached the area of our train station.  A car cut us off and as Lauren and I were about to shout encouragements and prayers at them (note sarcasm), I saw the license plate.  "PLN4YOU."  Seriously?  There's a license plate in front of me that says, "plan for you."  I am not the believer who typically goes for the "signs in license plates" kinda' thing, but this was a little too obvious to ignore.

After getting stuck at a red light, Lauren pulled in front of this train station.  Four minutes left.  Seriously?  Did the prophetic four-year-old princess almost get it right?  I encouraged Aubrey and thanked her for her prayers and prophecy.  I ran out of the car after telling them both that I love them.  I literally ran to the train platform to catch a train that was supposed to be arriving while I was running.  When I reached the platform, I observed that in my panic I had run to the wrong one.  I ran all the way back to the front of the train station to go back upstairs with suitcase and all to the correct platform.  Good thing that the train was about a minute or so late.  Aubrey was right after all.  Five minutes.  Maybe six.  I think it was five.  We'll go with five.

I have a "what came first: the chicken or the egg" dilemma.  Did Aubrey's bold statement about having five minutes left followed by her private prayer change circumstances or did God speak to her little heart first and fill her with the confidence to speak aloud?  I don't know that it matters because either way, God knew all the events as they would occur before their occurrence.

Regardless of the chronology of the events, a little girl made a big statement that would prove to be a prophetic declaration.  I was having a small cardiac event while this little girl prayed and rested in God's peace.  I'm starting seminary, she's starting vacation Bible school.  Who has more faith?

As I think about it, maybe there isn't some deep theological meaning from this true story.  Maybe I am stretching to find meaning in a coincidence.  I do know after ten years of following Christ that He does not leave anything to chance.  God is either in control or He's not.  And because I believe that He is sovereign and in control, I believe that eliminates the possibility that Aubrey made a "lucky guess" and that her prayer was only a display of a little girl playing make believe.  Nope, God honored Aubrey's prayer, her faith and her boldness.  He didn't honor my fears.  Aubrey put herself in a place of blessing and trust, I put myself in a place of fear requiring rescue.  She's four.  I'm twenty-four.  I could use some childlike faith.  True story.

What hurts your testimony?

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"If I testify about myself, my testimony is not valid.  There is another who testifies in my favor, and I know that his testimony about me is valid" (John 5:31-32 New International Version).

For four years, I sat in the classrooms of the University of New Haven studying procedural evidence and witness testimony (in addition to other psycho-legal concepts).  I remember this one professor who was incredibly strict and would assign us case brief upon case brief.  He wanted to help us understand evidentiary procedure and knew that it was through painstaking review and study that we would understand how to avoid looking like a fool in a courtroom should we ever step into one.  At the time I was considering a career in law enforcement and the rules of evidence are significant for police officers.  Any illegally obtained evidence would not be presented in the courtroom.  One missing piece of evidence could permit the guilty to be declared innocent.  The onus of society's safety was placed in our hands in that classroom.  One evidence mistake could allow a killer the opportunity to kill again.

Part of evidence is a person's testimony.  There are various types of witnesses who can testify in a courtroom.  Expert witnesses can testify about topics ranging from psychology to entomology (the study of insects), offering their opinions about a specific topic based upon their professional study and experience.  Eyewitness testimony is presented by those who viewed the actual events and can tell of the details of the incident or date in question.  There are witnesses like police officers and investigators who tell of the process and results of their investigations.  There are so many rules as to what a witness can say and what a witness cannot say, who can offer opinions and who can offer only observations, and so on.

Jesus is no stranger to the courtroom of men.  Jesus makes a comment about testimony, a form of evidence.  He says there needs to be more than just His claim that He is God.  There must be corroborating evidence, evidence that supports His claim.  Jesus' agreement to the terms of human logic and evidence astound me.  Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, says that His testimony is not valid.  Think about that for a moment.  Jesus' primary concern is for the salvation of mankind.  He is willing to humble Himself to the position of needing corroborating evidence.  Jesus could very easily have said, "Hey listen, I'm God, you've seen my work around here, you know that I speak about things that you do not know and you've seen me do miracles.  Believe in me or experience condemnation."  Yet He didn't do that.  Instead He offered the testimony of John the Baptist into evidence to validate His claims.  Later on in his testimony, He presents the evidence of the Scriptures and the teachings of Moses.  Jesus was His own lawyer and presented a case to the courtroom of mankind for His position as King.  They still found Him guilty and sentenced Him to the death penalty, by the way.

All of this started me thinking about the Christianisation of the word "testimony."  So often when Christians desire to share their faith with a person who does not believe Jesus' teachings, Christians share their "testimony."  I think that sharing our story of learning about Jesus is great, though I do not have a lot of thoughts about the formula we use to share our faith with other people.  I suppose that's a blog for another time.  Nevertheless, sharing our story of knowing God is really great because it is an opportunity to be humble and "get personal" with someone else.  So often Christians start this conversation with, "Can I share my testimony with you?"  And I can only imagine the thoughts of nonbelievers.  "Am I a judge?  Why are we getting legal here?"  I think that's why so often non-believers say "sure" with this upward inflection at the end of it, conveying confusion mixed with hesitation and curiosity.  They are preparing themselves to hear some type of evidence.  The Christian testimony is not a story of how we came to know God, but a story of how God is alive and working.  It's evidence.  The story is only a means of presenting the evidence.

Yet even Jesus recognizes that the story is not enough.  "If I testify about myself, my testimony is not valid."  Jesus presented corroborating evidence of other witnesses as well as the Scriptures and common law teachings about Moses.  The question that we must ask ourselves in the context of our current time in history is if our personal testimony has corroborating evidence.  Without corroborating evidence, the Christian testimony of an individual is merely a nice story to be read in Guideposts and then easily dismissed by nonbelievers with a line like "I'm glad you have had the experience and that God works for your personal happiness."  What is our corroborating evidence?  Who are our eyewitnesses?  What piece of our lives could be permitted into the courtroom of man to support our claims?  Our claims are invalid without our corroborating evidence.  Jesus knew that.

Imagine a testimony coupled with a passionate life of service to others.  A story of faith in Jesus partnered with a change in lifestyle, compassion and justice for the poor and oppressed, and a life of humility and love.  Imagine a testimony without some other witness who can refute the integrity of the witness.  Satan, the lawyer of the nonbeliever, then could not say, "Yes, you claim you are a believer but we have another witness here who says you were intoxicated and then had sexual relations with her" or "Yes, you claim to love others but we have the teller at your bank who says you hoard your wealth and spend frivolously."

All of our testimonies, especially mine, are filled with others who can refute our claims and remind us of our mistakes.  Satan's job is to accuse and Jesus' job is to justify us before God.  Let's not beat ourselves up.  Still, Jesus' justification before God does not justify our lives before mankind.  And it is the hearts of men and women today that we seek to love and encourage into a pursuit of Jesus and eventually eternity with Him.

One of the flaws in my testimony is my pride.  I want to serve others and love humbly, but sometimes I cannot seem to get out of my own way.  I think about myself too much and do not think of others enough.  Sometimes when I think of others, I am really thinking about myself.  "I should help this person because that would make me feel better."  I admit that I am working on this issue and asking God to help my life be all about Him and His kingdom and not me about me.

What are the things in your life that hurt your testimony?  I would love to engage in discussion about this through email or through the comments section at the end of this blog.  What steps do you think you can take to have more corroborating evidence of your Christian testimony?  How solid is your testimony?

When I sat in those classrooms of University of New Haven, I felt pity for those in law school.  I didn't think they would one day point me to better understand the teachings of Jesus.  His truth is all around us if we listen.  True story.

My apology to the Church

A friend of mine named Joel, a more mature brother in the Lord (a nice way of saying older and more experienced than me) recently confronted me on my Facebook wall (search stephen.james.johnson@gmail.com) regarding my attitude towards the Church at large.  He stated that my Facebook and blog posts have become more and more critical of the Church and that despite its flaws, I ought to be respectful to the bride of Christ.  (For those of you unfamiliar with religious jargon, "bride of Christ" is the illustration the Bible uses to express the intimacy that Jesus has with His people.)  And he's right.

My comments have been increasingly more critical lately, not because I think poorly of the Church but because I am incredibly frustrated with so much of my family (the church).  Sometimes when I read about Christians in the media or think about the stances we take publicly, I feel embarrassed.  I feel like I am at family dinner and my crazy uncle says something really outlandish or rude and my new girlfriend is right next to me for her first family dinner (illustration only, that didn't happen).  I now have to convince her that he doesn't speak for my family, that his statement does not accurately reflect the core values of my family or who I am as a man.  Now imagine in that illustration, my imaginary girlfriend (as oppose to Lauren) breaks up with me and then tells all of our friends that I am nuts just like my pretend uncle (as oppose to my not-so-crazy uncles Ralph and Mike).  I run to her and my friends and say that I am not like my uncle, my family isn't crazy or rude and that it stresses me out so much that I want to change my last name.  This imaginary situation captures my feelings about the church.

In this imaginary story, let's pretend that my brother comes to me and says, "Stephen, I know your frustrations, but denying your whole family because of one crazy uncle is equally as dangerous as acting like your uncle.  Use this as an opportunity to promote change, not just trash talk your family."  In that portion of my imaginary story, my brother in Jesus is my friend Joel who lovingly confronted me on my Facebook wall.  It did not take much time and reflection for me to recognize that he was right.

I would like to apologize for being overly critical, for failing to add a dose of love to my truth and for forgetting that the Church is precious to Jesus.  I do not want be to hypocrite or a liar, so I will admit that I will probably mess this up in the future.  Furthermore, it has been spoken to me prophetically through so many believers (and through my own prayer life) that Jesus is pushing me to serve Him in a way that openly confronts problems in the Church.  I am not apologizing for answering His call, but apologizing for failing to add love and encouragement to the message.  I think of the prophet Jeremiah, who though he prophesied judgment and wrath, wept openly for God's people and shared love and compassion with them.  It is my prayer that the Lord sensitizes my heart and helps me love others.  It really is God's kindness that leads us to repentance, not necessarily His admonition.

I prayed for humility and God gave me a dose.  True story.

Is Jesus a Republican or Democrat?

http://biblewalk.wordpress.com/2011/07/21/faith-and-politics/

I am not very politically active.  I refrain from participating in politics not because I do not have political opinions but because once a declaration of political affiliation is made publicly it becomes much easier to dismiss the person's suggestions and thoughts.  If I were to tell a person that I am a Democrat and advocate loving the poor, I would most likely be dismissed as a hippie liberal.  If I were to tell a person that I am a Republican and believe that abortion is unethical and immoral, I would then be a woman bashing ultra conservative.  I cannot share my faith with a person if I also share my politics because my politics would stand as a veil to the Person of my faith - Jesus.  I want to be political about my faith (meaning I want to share my faith diplomatically) but I also believe that my faith has some radical political implications.  How can I participate in the political sphere and remain faithful to Jesus while not being dismissed as the "Religious Right?" How can I share about revolutionizing the inner city through selfless acts of service or caring for God's creation by recycling while not being perceived as "Tree Hugging Socialist?"

The more I learn about Jesus, the more I conclude that He cannot be boxed.  Jesus was not a Republican and He was not a Democrat, He was not a liberal nor was He a conservative.  I know this probably outrages some readers who believe that the verse "God made us in His own image" means that our political affiliations came from Him too.  We forget that when God made us in His own image, He did not create a bunch of mini-God the Fathers who physically resemble God and believe all the things that He believe.  The fall (of man) had more complications and ramifications than we will ever be able to understand on this side of eternity.  God created us in His own image to have a heart to love, a mind to perceive, a passion to create (both art and life), a desire for righteousness and equity.  He gave us the ability to laugh and cry, to judge right from wrong in accordance with His Spirit and His Word and to walk in the power of His Holy Spirit.

The problem with the Religious Right and the Liberal Left is that they create God in their own image.  Sit down with Pat Robertson and Rob Bell and find two very different understandings of Jesus.  The whole world is in this process of creating God in its own image.  Jesus did not create the Republican party nor did He initiate the feminist movement.  Yet Republicans and Democrats will both claim that God is on their side.  Glenn Beck tells us that God is on the side of the Republicans and Sean Hannity's daily radio show implies (and sometimes outright states) that only conservative's are "Great Americans."  I read through the NY Times and the Washington Post online and I start to think that Christians are nuts and narrow-minded too (joking).

I believe in most of our elections Jesus places His own Name on the ballot and prays that the rest of the world will too.  Abortion and homosexual marriage are not the top two things on His agenda.  At least, I do not think they are.  I think the most important thing He talked about was to love the Lord with all of our hearts, minds and souls and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.  I don't think either political party does a real good job at following those teachings.  Sure, the "moral issues" are important.  I think they are incredibly important.  I wish that conservatives fought poverty as much as they fought homosexual marriage and liberals were as open minded to Jesus as they are to every other worldly philosophy.  I think that sin is awful and that it should not be tolerated. I think that homosexual marriage is a sin and is not designed by God.  I also think that ignoring the needs of the poor and homeless are equally as evil.  I think abortion is murder and is typically a "Cntrl + Z" (that means "undo" for those who are not computer geeks) for poor decisions and fleshly behavior.  I also think that protesting abortion with picket signs outside of clinics does not win souls to Christ and accomplishes more harm than good.  I think we should spend our money responsibly on social programs with the understanding that poverty is not just a bank account problem, it is a mentality and it is contagious and generational that can be healed through prayer, education and love.

Where do I fit in?  Who do I vote for?  Jesus isn't on the ballot and no one in the political spectrum seems to speak for Him (or about Him without exploiting Him).  The voices of "love" I hear love anything and everything except for Jesus and the voices of "justice" I hear divorce love and mercy from their justice.  Voting for Christians seems to always become choosing the lesser of two evils and we cannot even agree as a Church exactly who is the lesser of the evils.  And the media profits from our dissension and division.  They'll pit Pat Robertson and the late Jerry Falwell against Stephen Hawking and Richard Dawkins any day just to make the religious look crazy and the liberal look like God haters.  How can Christians responsibly participate in politics and actively care for their country without being lost in the chaos?

I'm young.  I'm learning.  I don't have a lot of answers.  I have a lot more questions than I do solutions.  One of the many things that I have learned from Jesus is that our actions will speak much more loudly than our words.  If Jesus spoke about love, mercy, grace and forgiveness but never actually died on the Cross, He would have been just another great politician.  It's the whole cross and resurrection thing that makes everything that Jesus said legitimate.  How can I pick up my cross and serve others so I can see resurrection in the lives of my family, church and greater community?

Well, that will be my brainstorm for a while.  I'll do my best not to form another political party called the "Jesus Party" because I will surely mess that up and that would be really bad.  That would be a True Story no one would want to read about...

Jesus had "urges" too...

blogs.fit.edu

"But he said to them, 'I have food to eat that you know nothing about...My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work.'" John 7:32, 34 New International Version


I think of hunger pangs and stomach grumblings.  I do not know the true pain of actual hunger because I have rarely been in a place where food was not readily available.  Nevertheless, I know that when time passes without eating I can become irritable, quick to frustration and insensitive.  I am not much fun to be around during those times.  Like the popular Snickers commercials, so many of us are discontent until we have met our physical urges with physical sustenance.

While I do not think that Jesus meant that obedience to the Father necessarily made His stomach grumblings vanish, I do believe that Jesus was making a very strong point to His disciples about what fuels His lifestyle.   Jesus' nourishment did not come from the physical world.  Though He was fully human, Jesus' concern was not that His physical body was fed but that His Spirit was in total submission to the will of the Father.

When we are hungry, we often look forward to eating and oftentimes "eating well," which typically indicates consuming delicious foods in abundance.  Dare I go to a restaurant with a grumbling stomach and I will end up ordering an appetizer, an entree and even a dessert.  I look forward to meeting my urge.  I cannot wait to sit down and eat a delicious meal.  I can imagine the disciples saying the same thing.  "We should eat, we've been doing a lot of work.  Four more months and then it's harvest time.  Man, food is really plentiful and delicious then."  Our Savior is not ignorant of this human tendency to look forward to our fleshly satisfaction because He was human too.  He goes on to say to His disciples, "Do you not say, 'Four more months and then the harvest?  I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields!  They are ripe for harvest!" (John 7:35).


I believe Jesus' question (and His immediate answer) is twofold.  The first is physical.  I do not think that Jesus means that we cannot enjoy a good meal or that we cannot look forward to responsibly (without gluttony and excess) meeting our need for food.  Yet not in even in food are we to find more pleasure than we do in obedience to God.  The second applies spiritual meaning to a physical example.  There is no justification in delaying our obedience because the fields are "ripe unto harvest" - the world is ready to hear about Jesus and His call to repentance and submission to His Lordship.

We cannot postpone our obedience to Jesus because we have an urge that has not yet been met.  Jesus makes His point clearly after His disciples urge Him to eat.  I can imagine the scene, the disciples telling Jesus that He has been working too much and that He should eat something or He'll pass out or something like that.  And Jesus is quick to say, "Listen, I know you're concerned but I have an entirely different type of nourishment that keeps me going.  I receive so much more satisfaction from obeying my Dad, from listening to Him and following the promptings of His Spirit.  All of you are so concerned about yourselves.  You think that once you have a desire met, an urge, then things will be okay.  Sometimes it's trivial like we'll share about Me once we've had a meal.  Other times it's more significant, like we'll wait until debts are paid or marriages are arranged or education has been accomplished.  Don't you see though?  Those things don't matter - cannot matter - more than obedience.  The work has been done, the stage has been set, you don't even really have to do anything crazy; all you have to do is obey Me and the One who sent Me and you'll experience satisfaction that blows away any peace you can get from putting yourself first."

Jesus' teaching scares me.  He says that His food is obedience.  I need food to be obedient.  Do you see the difference?  I am so far from where I want to be from living out this teaching.  If I have to choose between meeting my urges (even the most natural and acceptable ones like hunger) and obedience to Jesus, He tells me to choose Him.  Christ followers will find more joy in following Jesus than anything else in the entire world.  Following Jesus is not on the top of the priorities list because following Jesus is not something that can be managed or prioritized.  Following Jesus and obeying Him is the foundation of the list and from where all of our pleasure is derived.

I am learning a lot about Jesus and one of the things I see is that He is obsessed with obedience.  Obedience is more important to Him than passion and excitement.  He even says in another part of the Gospel that if we love Him, we obey Him.  I don't think we talk about that enough in church or at Bible studies.  I think we try to present our version of the seeker friendly Jesus who is a liberal hipster who drinks lattes and talks about radical love.  All this obedience talk seems orthodox and is probably a turn off to "free spirits" and so on.  I think it's important to be honest about Jesus.  He wants us to obey Him.  And He wants obedience to be more important to us than our own physical hunger.

Talk about paradigm shift.  Crazy, right?  I'm not there yet.  Truthfully, I don't think there is a "there."  I think this is a journey, a process, of sanctification (becoming more saintly or Jesus-like).   My prayer is that I will be less focused on me and more focused on Jesus.  Taking my thoughts away from me and placing them on Jesus will help me with not being so self absorbed.  Maybe I can end up like those dogs in the above picture who listen to their master and fight their own natural urges.  That's a true story I want to tell one day.

Macaroni pictures for Jesus

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I bought a desk.  My friend Matt came over and helped me put the desk together.  The desk has sat in my room for a couple of months now and I've used it once.  I store papers on it.  My intention was to use the desk as a writing space, a place to do my devotionals, write my blogs, read the Scriptures and write essays on topics that the Lord places on my heart.  Now it stores bills and unfinished projects.  Most of my time at home is spent sleeping (or trying to sleep).  My time awake is spent at work.


Working overnights has its advantages as well as its disadvantages.  I have lots of time to read and study.  I study dispatch procedures and emergency response protocols, read fiction novels that help pass time and develop my vocabulary, read the Scriptures (less than I read fiction books sadly) to learn more about Jesus as well as "Christian inspiration" books (more than I read the Scriptures...still sadly).  I have time to reflect upon my life and to look forward, sometimes with faith and other times with fear, to my future.  I watch television (a lot).  There is the show called "Amish: Out of Order" about ex-Amish who are struggling to adjust to "English" life.  I enjoy the show because I find it does not dishonor God while still being able to capture genuine spiritual struggle.  When that's not on, I watch re-runs of "Cops" and "Wild Justice" and learn that in all reality, every episode is the same.


Sometimes, when I get really bored, I wonder what it would be like to do a television show called "Dispatch: Overnights in East Haven."  I would be like, "This is how I make my coffee" and then "This is where I pee" or "This is how I walk around and stretch at 5:00 a.m. to remain awake for the last three hours of my shift."  There would be occasional moments when the drama would increase though.  Like yesterday, I dispatched out a truck vs. city bus car accident that required more than ten ambulances and filled the emergency rooms of nearby hospitals.  Solo dispatching emergency responders while fielding several frantic 911 calls at the same time requires a skill set I am still developing.  My heart, the physical organ not my emotions, is learning how to handle sudden adrenaline rushes followed by quick crashes.


While I sit here, in between frantic and other times mundane 911 calls (Me: "911, what's the address of your emergency?" Caller: "Yeah, what's the number to the New Haven Register?"), my mind dwells on my desk.  The desk seems to symbolize the inadequacy I feel because I do not spend the time with Jesus like I know I ought, that I do not write as often I want to, that I do not have my papers filed and my tasks in order.  I like the desk, but I hate that I think about it so much.


The problem with my thought process in all of this is that I think when God sees me, He sees my desk.  I honestly think that Jesus would love me more if I used the desk for its intended use.  I think that Jesus loves me more if I blog and do devotionals and read my Bible.  I think that Jesus' grace and mercy for me is contingent upon my behavior.  I say that I believe in grace and mercy, but my actions indicate that I believe in a "works based" system of theology.  Somewhere in my journey with God, I stopped focusing on Him and started focusing on me: my works, my actions, my thoughts.


While I think personal holiness is important, that our spiritual maturity is marked by the "spiritual fruit" (our Christlike-ness), I think anything that places focus off of Jesus and on me is not a good thing.  It is a demonic lie that we can earn God's love or that God loves some people less or other people more.  God is not like earthly parents, whose favor can be won by their children by doing more chores or saying nice things.  God loves infinitely from the beginning; growing in Jesus is learning how to respond to His love in humility and worship.


I used to make my mom macaroni pictures as a kid.  When I wasn't eating macaroni, I was using it for art.  My mom was so gracious about macaroni pictures.  She would be so thankful for the picture, so glad that I took the time to do something kind for her.  She didn't love me more because of my  macaroni pictures.  I could never have made her a macaroni picture and she would have loved me just the same. I made her those silly pictures because I was expressing my love for her.  I was responding to her love for me, because she loved me first.  I am starting to think that Jesus might be the same way.  All my works, all my efforts, are macaroni pictures to Him. He loves me even if I don't do them, but He knows that they are responses to His love.  I just want to love Him back.  I don't think that my mother ever wanted me to beat myself up for not making enough macaroni pictures.  I don't think God wants me to beat myself up either.


I think we should all make macaroni pictures for Jesus.  We should serve Him, love Him, honor Him and worship Him.  I just don't think we should make pictures to earn His love, but to respond to it.  True story.

I tried to walk on water

Lately I have been trying to find new activities to do.  I forget that I am young sometimes, you know?  I want to travel and have new experiences, do silly things like have "Quiche Nights" where friends can come over to hang out and talk about Jesus while eating quiche, try to bake new things even though I fail at making boxed brownies.  I want to make own pizza from scratch, visit random coffee shops where the owners still actually serve the coffee, and learn how to actually keep a respectfully good looking flower garden.

I end up doing a lot of these things with Jesus, which is a euphemism for by myself.  I talk to God while I drive around and visit various places to try to experience something new.  I am thankful for wireless technology because now when people see me talking aloud to God in my car they think that I am on a Bluetooth instead of diagnosing me with some type of disorder.  I have interesting conversations with Jesus as I go along.  Sometimes I ask Him to purposely lead me to some place new or interesting or to set up "an appointment" with someone who might need a smile or a corny joke to bring some light into the darkness.  God is usually good at honoring those requests.

During one my latest adventures, I took some time to explore a small town called Chester, Connecticut.  Though I have nearly been a lifelong resident of Connecticut, I have never been through this small and attractive town.  Chester was originally founded on Native American territory and was settled mostly by the citizens of the neighboring town of Saybrook.  It was formed as a society of the Congregational Church and in 1836 the community was incorporated as the Town of Chester.

While exploring the town, I found a little picnic bench and gazebo near a small body of water.  I enjoyed sitting at the picnic bench and reading my Bible, learning from the Lord while I sat in the natural beauty of His creation.  After the bugs became too much for me to handle, I walked away from the picnic bench and found a a stream behind some trees.  I walked up to the stream and saw that if I strategically walked across these small stones I could stand in the middle of the small body of the water.  I walked out across these stones, carefully avoiding slipping into the water and soaking my hiking shoes.  Standing in the middle of water, I took exhaled deeply and enjoyed the simple beauty of the moment.

While reflecting, my mind ventured back in time to the Apostle Peter.  I remembered that he did not have stones to step on when he walked on water towards Jesus.  Peter stepped out of the boat and walked towards Jesus because of his extraordinary faith.  I stood on these small stones and concentrated on Peter's story and his faith and I decided that I would take a step on water.  I knew that if Peter could do it and he was just as human as I am today, then I could do it too.  I concentrated like a baseball player concentrates before he takes a swing at a pitch.  I lifted my right foot and placed it on top of the water and was ready to walk.  And my foot just went into the water.  No surprise there, right?  I wanted to have miraculous faith and  all I had was a wet hiking shoe.  I wasn't at all discouraged though because I knew in my heart that I was not going to walk on water.  I just wanted to try.

I feel like similar events happen to so many Christ followers today.  We want to take steps in the right direction, we want to take steps towards Jesus, but in our hearts we believe that we will not actually see change in our lives.   Even though we may do and say the right things, the attitudes of our hearts govern the actual outcomes of our efforts.  The truth is that even though Jesus honors our efforts to be obedient to His commands, He knows the inward attitudes of our hearts.  I knew before I even took a step that I would sink.  I sunk.  What would happen if I placed my faith in Jesus and before I took a step, actually believed that Jesus could and would do such a powerful act in my life?

I started to think about all the areas of my life where God has given me hope and vision.  I thought about the people I would like to know Jesus, but even though I pray for them I do not actually believe in my heart they will come to know Him because they are so bitter and angry.  I think of how Jesus has inspired me to excellence in physical health.  I go to the gym and count calories, but I do not really believe that I will ever achieve the goal weight and condition set before me.  I dream of graduating from seminary without any student loans and I know this is possible, but I do not believe in my heart that this will happen.  Jesus sees my attempts and knows my thoughts, but he knows about my lack of faith and my inward doubts.

When Thomas doubted that Jesus was resurrected, Jesus was very patient with him.  He showed Thomas His nail scarred hands and His pierced side, but he told Thomas that the blessed are those who do not see and yet still believe.  Jesus is patient with us in our unbelief, but He blesses those who do not see the outcome and yet still believe in their hearts.

As I strive to better follow Jesus, I pray that He helps me with my unbelief.  I am taking steps to increase my faith with God, like applying to seminary but not applying for loans and still going to the gym and calorie counting even though I struggle daily to remain faithful to my fitness plan.  Above all, I must remember that the event or the outcome is not the object of my faith, but Jesus is the God in Whom my faith is centered.  When we see Jesus as the owner and operator of our lives, it becomes easier to take steps of faith because it is actually His Spirit in us doing the work.

Even in Connecticut's smallest towns, Jesus speaks as long as we are listening.  True story.