Macaroni pictures for Jesus

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I bought a desk.  My friend Matt came over and helped me put the desk together.  The desk has sat in my room for a couple of months now and I've used it once.  I store papers on it.  My intention was to use the desk as a writing space, a place to do my devotionals, write my blogs, read the Scriptures and write essays on topics that the Lord places on my heart.  Now it stores bills and unfinished projects.  Most of my time at home is spent sleeping (or trying to sleep).  My time awake is spent at work.


Working overnights has its advantages as well as its disadvantages.  I have lots of time to read and study.  I study dispatch procedures and emergency response protocols, read fiction novels that help pass time and develop my vocabulary, read the Scriptures (less than I read fiction books sadly) to learn more about Jesus as well as "Christian inspiration" books (more than I read the Scriptures...still sadly).  I have time to reflect upon my life and to look forward, sometimes with faith and other times with fear, to my future.  I watch television (a lot).  There is the show called "Amish: Out of Order" about ex-Amish who are struggling to adjust to "English" life.  I enjoy the show because I find it does not dishonor God while still being able to capture genuine spiritual struggle.  When that's not on, I watch re-runs of "Cops" and "Wild Justice" and learn that in all reality, every episode is the same.


Sometimes, when I get really bored, I wonder what it would be like to do a television show called "Dispatch: Overnights in East Haven."  I would be like, "This is how I make my coffee" and then "This is where I pee" or "This is how I walk around and stretch at 5:00 a.m. to remain awake for the last three hours of my shift."  There would be occasional moments when the drama would increase though.  Like yesterday, I dispatched out a truck vs. city bus car accident that required more than ten ambulances and filled the emergency rooms of nearby hospitals.  Solo dispatching emergency responders while fielding several frantic 911 calls at the same time requires a skill set I am still developing.  My heart, the physical organ not my emotions, is learning how to handle sudden adrenaline rushes followed by quick crashes.


While I sit here, in between frantic and other times mundane 911 calls (Me: "911, what's the address of your emergency?" Caller: "Yeah, what's the number to the New Haven Register?"), my mind dwells on my desk.  The desk seems to symbolize the inadequacy I feel because I do not spend the time with Jesus like I know I ought, that I do not write as often I want to, that I do not have my papers filed and my tasks in order.  I like the desk, but I hate that I think about it so much.


The problem with my thought process in all of this is that I think when God sees me, He sees my desk.  I honestly think that Jesus would love me more if I used the desk for its intended use.  I think that Jesus loves me more if I blog and do devotionals and read my Bible.  I think that Jesus' grace and mercy for me is contingent upon my behavior.  I say that I believe in grace and mercy, but my actions indicate that I believe in a "works based" system of theology.  Somewhere in my journey with God, I stopped focusing on Him and started focusing on me: my works, my actions, my thoughts.


While I think personal holiness is important, that our spiritual maturity is marked by the "spiritual fruit" (our Christlike-ness), I think anything that places focus off of Jesus and on me is not a good thing.  It is a demonic lie that we can earn God's love or that God loves some people less or other people more.  God is not like earthly parents, whose favor can be won by their children by doing more chores or saying nice things.  God loves infinitely from the beginning; growing in Jesus is learning how to respond to His love in humility and worship.


I used to make my mom macaroni pictures as a kid.  When I wasn't eating macaroni, I was using it for art.  My mom was so gracious about macaroni pictures.  She would be so thankful for the picture, so glad that I took the time to do something kind for her.  She didn't love me more because of my  macaroni pictures.  I could never have made her a macaroni picture and she would have loved me just the same. I made her those silly pictures because I was expressing my love for her.  I was responding to her love for me, because she loved me first.  I am starting to think that Jesus might be the same way.  All my works, all my efforts, are macaroni pictures to Him. He loves me even if I don't do them, but He knows that they are responses to His love.  I just want to love Him back.  I don't think that my mother ever wanted me to beat myself up for not making enough macaroni pictures.  I don't think God wants me to beat myself up either.


I think we should all make macaroni pictures for Jesus.  We should serve Him, love Him, honor Him and worship Him.  I just don't think we should make pictures to earn His love, but to respond to it.  True story.