I'm struggling. What the heck is ministry anyway?

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I am sitting in the Starbucks section of the Fairfield University Bookstore, drinking a low fat caramel frap and a turkey bacon, egg white and cheddar cheese breakfast sandwich.  It took me about 40 minutes to determine where I wanted to eat this morning.  After a short shift on the ambulance and a few hours before my next appointment, I need to kill time.  I went to the gym, realized that I left my sneakers at home, looked down at my duty boots and thought, "I'll have to go to the gym later."  So what do people do who struggle to live healthily when they forget their gym gear?  They go out to eat.  Thus, here I am.

I'm sitting next to a man who seems not to be too mentally stable.  He talks to himself, he's wearing a hospital bracelet and has a backpack full of prescription medications.  Then again, I'm the guy in Starbucks with military pants, tactical boots, a uniform shirt with a badge and a paracord bracelet in case I need to apply a tourniquet to my frap to stop it from leaking.  The insane man, who hopefully will not read my blog, is reading his Bible while I type away on my laptop.  He actually looks interested in the book.  I read a few verses and think I've done some good devotional work and go blog about it.  He sits here and reads the thing like it's a novel.  I'm more faithful to the biography of Abraham Lincoln I'm reading than to my Bible reading.

I've been evaluating my life quietly in my mind for a little bit now (the guy next to me does this aloud).  My pastor and I were chatting a few weeks ago and he told me, "Don't feel badly for thinking that you're not doing ministry.  You've been adjusting to a new life, a new job, and working in fields that require you to help people."  I still feel badly.  I read these loosey goosey "progressive" justice books about Jesus and I feel like doing anything nice now is ministry.  I mean, seriously, I talk to the clerk at Stop and Shop and I think I'm "being Jesus" to that woman. I ask a waiter how his day is going and I think that might have been a "Holy Spirit encounter."  I mean, really?  That's not fullness of life, that's just common decency.  Even Satan can be nice to the clerk.  Basically, I feel like I'm being lazy.  I could blog more, but that's so selfish, you know?  People read my stuff, they say "Oh I love your blog" and then I'm all like "thanks."  Yeah, I'm really suffering for Jesus.

The American mode of evangelism is changing though.  We are evolving from a "crusade" and "come to the altar" type of evangelism to an interpersonal relationship evangelism.  We follow the Holy Spirit's guidance and direction as to how we are to share our love for Jesus with others.  Sometimes that means sharing the Gospel full out and sometimes that means just being really gentle and loving with someone.  I'm learning that rather than force feeding Jesus to people, the Holy Spirit will actually reveal exactly what needs to be done or said at an exact moment to push that person on his or her journey towards Jesus.  I have been trying to follow the Holy Spirit on this new way of witnessing and as I reflect, I've had very natural Gospel based conversations in the past few weeks with those who don't believe.

My stream of consciousness blog is helping me reach a conclusion.  I think that showing up at a weekly meeting or appointment or attending a monthly event or outreach helps us feel that our lives have "ministry."  And sure, these scheduled events might be wonderful.  What about the rest of our lives though?  And because my schedule does not permit me regular meetings and doing cool events where I get a free t-shirt that tells people when my church meets, I feel like I am not doing anything for Jesus.  I think I have to redefine ministry then.  By our traditional definition of ministry my life has none, yet it has a lot of Jesus.  My life has no church events (except regular weekly attendance), but it has prayer and Bible readings (even though I'm not always excited to crack open the big book).  I don't wear a church t-shirt or have a bumper sticker that says that "Jesus is my co-pilot" (which makes no sense theologically by the way), but I wear a uniform with a badge and I answer and respond to emergency calls for a living, putting me in contact with the "least of these" more than Christian concerts do.  My life has no ministry and I feel awful about it, but I don't feel far from Jesus or like a lost sheep who needs to be brought home to the other 99.

People tell me that my ministry is "outside of the box," but what is the box?  Is the box the problem?  Is the box the reason why Islam is the fasting growing religion worldwide and the center of Christianity is now Africa, where there are more miracles happening now than in all of American history?  How do I address this crisis within my mind that I am not serving God because I am not doing typical ministry things but at the same time I want to serve others and really love people in different ways?  I feel like I'm not doing enough because I'm not really suffering, not really feeling that I've lost everything for the sake of the Kingdom.  In fact, I've gained.  I've got a solid job, a wonderful girlfriend, I'm healthier than I've been in years and well, I look good bald (joking...).  How do I reconcile "out of the box" ministry with the Gospel and with the American mold of ministry and evangelism?

I can't (nor do I want to) redefine the Gospel.  I can't undo my calling to serve others in unique ways and "to love the unlovable" as God has shared with me directly and through others to do.  Therefore, I have to redefine ministry and evangelism.  Yeah, that's not a daunting task (note sarcasm).  I guess that is the adventure though, right?

My conservative friends think I'm too liberal and I need to go before the altar to tarry and wait for a specific "inside the church office" calling (because that is the only place where God is moving) while my liberal friends think I'm too conservative and that I just need to drink with the drunks to really relate.  I think they're both nuts.  This is my true story.  It's politcally incorrect, religiously incorrect, and possibly grammatically correct.  It's my life though.  And I'm thankful for it.  True story.