My end of the year secret

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I wrote in my journal the following sentence today: "I give up on knowing."  Though the context in which it was written is irrelevant, the appearance of those words in that order on the page of my journal caused internal conflict.  Part of my heart feels that it is has reached this place of existence where understanding the meta-cognitive detail of my spiritual and emotional well being has become overwhelming.  Perhaps there is truth to the notion that one can be so self aware that he can become self absorbed, lost in a pursuit of inner shalom that is not possible on this side of eternity.  Perhaps it is true that one can be meticulous in the examination of his heart that even the peace of God does not mollify the angst of imperfection.  Even God, in His infinite wisdom and knowledge, is aware that humanity requires a Savior to experience even the slightest taste of goodness and internal rest.  There are times when I feel that God is looking at me and saying, "Give yourself a break."  And even if the Divine were to whisper that line to my heart, I would feel that I had failed Him because I could not achieve the spiritual maturity of never requiring a break.

As I reach this conclusion, I am entirely hesitant to post about it so my friends (and possibly a few strangers) could read about the depths of my heart's struggle with works salvation.  The beauty of blogging is that the blogger (I) can hide behind words on a page without sharing the means by which he (I) have reached the conclusions that he (I) has (have) reached.  Nevertheless, I write so the body of Christ can be edified.  Therefore I can vulnerably confess to the world (or the 24 people who will read this entry) that I do not believe that God is entirely satisfied with me.  When I read those words back to myself, I recognize that they are not Biblical nor are they accurate.  Despite my knowledge of the scriptures that tell believers that God is satisfied with His children, that they bring Him joy and that they are forgiven and sanctified by the blood of Jesus, I struggle to accept God's grace.

This issue is rooted deeply in my development throughout my childhood and adolescence.  Rejected by family and peers, I was taught that love is something that can be "achieved" by doing the right things at the right time for the right people.  Failure to say or do the right things at the correct moment resulted in emotional abandonment, creating a truthful fallacy (if such a thing can exist) that love ceases when good works cease.  It was my father who taught this to me more than any other person, producing a black hole in my heart that would vacuum any fabrication of intimacy and satisfaction into my soul (pornography, alcohol abuse, etc.).  If I failed to meet his unknown and untold expectations at any moment, I was reminded of my failure through insults, lectures and even worse, the cold shoulder or the lonely night on the steps waiting for Dad to visit.

The Lord has graciously placed me in a position now where He is surfacing these deep issues of my heart.  In the chaos of my life, continually surrounded by the responsibilities that accompany a young man on his adventure towards leaving his "father's house" (though my father was never in that house), I am finding that Christ lovingly confronts my heart with its faulty belief systems.  As He exemplifies tough love, God has not allowed me to escape the consequences of my upbringing.  Granting me a deeply introspective heart that longs to please, He is aware that I will respond to His confrontations with open arms.  However, where God disciplines me, I punish myself for failing to meet the mark.  I will even fast as a punishment for sinning, thinking that my fasting will perhaps earn my God's favor once again.

In my humanity, I have projected this perspective of my earthly father unto my heavenly Father.  Furthermore, I have projected this from my heavenly Father to the rest of humanity, requiring affirmation and reminders from those around me that my imperfection is not a flaw in my design but simply part of the design of humanity.  The idea that I can achieve optimal performance in any area of my life is a Messiah complex at best and is foolishness when written before me for my eyes to read.  

In the coming year, I long to experience the depths of healing of the lies presented to me by the enemy.  Furthermore, I desire to experience God's grace, to know that He truly has accepted me as I am not out of pity or obligation, but out of love.  Perhaps I will then be able to better experience the love of others and the internal rest that my heart so desires.  

This is the most transparent I have been in my years of writing, speaking and ministry.  Though I admit that I believe there are risks with posting these types of blogs frequently, I feel that the Lord grants us each certain experiences that can build others if we disallow ourselves the right to have a secret.  The irony of this entry is that the very thing that I inspired me to write is my frustration with my compulsion to write about my continual examination of my heart.  For those of you who are practical, who long for a "what do I do with this" conclusion, I can offer nothing but my apologies.  I do not know what to do next but to pray and perhaps come to the conclusion that giving up on knowing may be the beginning of a journey towards peace.

"For is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."  Eph. 2:8-9 (NIV).  May this verse penetrate the depths of our hearts so that we will be free to live a grace filled life of certain acceptance and genuine contentedness.