The beginning of my weak...

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Yesterday was probably one of the roughest days that I have had in a while.  It seemed as if each thing that could go wrong, did.  By 12:00 p.m., I was sitting in my car asking God to send help and to send some quickly. It seemed as if the day would never end, that I was stuck inside this prison of an awful Monday.  I had prayed over my day before I went to work, yet all these things continued to happen.  With each event, I would toughen up, bite my lip, and say, "Okay, God, You're in control."  By the end of the day, I was beginning to consider that I could do some nerve damage from all this lip biting.

I decided the best way to work out this frustration was to go the gym.  I hopped onto the bike, set the settings to uphill and peddled for a little less than forty minutes.  I was pushing myself pretty hard, sweat dripping down my face and pooling around my eyebrows (the only significant amount of hair on my head).  As the sweat dripped off my face, I felt like my body's energy source was growing weak.  I had very little motivation to continue on.  In fact, I stopped at about thirty-eight minutes, having biked about 8.98 uphill miles and 298 calories burned.  I do not write that to pat myself on the back.  In fact, it was the final blow to my heart for that day.  If I had not given up, I could have made it to 9.0 miles or 300 calories.  "See," my flesh accused.  "Always just a day late, always a dollar short.  Close, Stephen, but not quite."  I have heard that accusation before.  Close, Stephen, but not quite.

Sometimes I feel like that is where I am in my life.  Close, but not quite.  Close to success as a writer, but not quite.  Close to having more opportunities as a speaker, but not quite.  Close to being a successful musician, but not quite.  Close to losing the weight I want to lose, but not quite.  Close to a great job, but not quite.  Of course, this is a rather pessimistic lens from which to view life.  Typically, I do not view life from this perspective.  On the contrary, I am often thankful for being close to a goal or an opportunity.   Still, after my manic Monday (not sure how I feel about that song), I was ready to throw in the towel.  So I did.

By the time I showered and got ready for small group, I accepted defeat.  I was so tired of battling, so tired of fighting.  I was drained and flushed (guess I kind of felt like a toilet).  And when I finally stopped fighting, when I accepted that my frustration and my personal desire to be victorious was not enough fuel to find comfort, God's peace fell upon my heart.  I spent so much time fighting what God was trying to teach me throughout the day that God allowed these challenges to continue to bombard my heart.  When I entered onto I-95 (where Jesus seems to do a lot of construction on my heart), He reminded me that His strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Do you remember when the Lord spoke this to Paul?  It was when Paul was under an assault from Satan, when he experienced the thorn in his flesh.  Three times he asked God to deliver him from this thorn, this messenger from Satan, but the Lord spoke that His grace is sufficient for Paul, that God's strength is made perfect in weakness.  Paul's conclusion is still remarkable to me.  He says, "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (2 Cor. 12:9 ESV).  The challenges we face, the hurts before and ahead of us, the thorns in our flesh - they may all be designed to break our own strength to redirect us to the Lord's.

"I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:10).  Thank you, Paul, for writing your true story.