I tried to walk on water

Lately I have been trying to find new activities to do.  I forget that I am young sometimes, you know?  I want to travel and have new experiences, do silly things like have "Quiche Nights" where friends can come over to hang out and talk about Jesus while eating quiche, try to bake new things even though I fail at making boxed brownies.  I want to make own pizza from scratch, visit random coffee shops where the owners still actually serve the coffee, and learn how to actually keep a respectfully good looking flower garden.

I end up doing a lot of these things with Jesus, which is a euphemism for by myself.  I talk to God while I drive around and visit various places to try to experience something new.  I am thankful for wireless technology because now when people see me talking aloud to God in my car they think that I am on a Bluetooth instead of diagnosing me with some type of disorder.  I have interesting conversations with Jesus as I go along.  Sometimes I ask Him to purposely lead me to some place new or interesting or to set up "an appointment" with someone who might need a smile or a corny joke to bring some light into the darkness.  God is usually good at honoring those requests.

During one my latest adventures, I took some time to explore a small town called Chester, Connecticut.  Though I have nearly been a lifelong resident of Connecticut, I have never been through this small and attractive town.  Chester was originally founded on Native American territory and was settled mostly by the citizens of the neighboring town of Saybrook.  It was formed as a society of the Congregational Church and in 1836 the community was incorporated as the Town of Chester.

While exploring the town, I found a little picnic bench and gazebo near a small body of water.  I enjoyed sitting at the picnic bench and reading my Bible, learning from the Lord while I sat in the natural beauty of His creation.  After the bugs became too much for me to handle, I walked away from the picnic bench and found a a stream behind some trees.  I walked up to the stream and saw that if I strategically walked across these small stones I could stand in the middle of the small body of the water.  I walked out across these stones, carefully avoiding slipping into the water and soaking my hiking shoes.  Standing in the middle of water, I took exhaled deeply and enjoyed the simple beauty of the moment.

While reflecting, my mind ventured back in time to the Apostle Peter.  I remembered that he did not have stones to step on when he walked on water towards Jesus.  Peter stepped out of the boat and walked towards Jesus because of his extraordinary faith.  I stood on these small stones and concentrated on Peter's story and his faith and I decided that I would take a step on water.  I knew that if Peter could do it and he was just as human as I am today, then I could do it too.  I concentrated like a baseball player concentrates before he takes a swing at a pitch.  I lifted my right foot and placed it on top of the water and was ready to walk.  And my foot just went into the water.  No surprise there, right?  I wanted to have miraculous faith and  all I had was a wet hiking shoe.  I wasn't at all discouraged though because I knew in my heart that I was not going to walk on water.  I just wanted to try.

I feel like similar events happen to so many Christ followers today.  We want to take steps in the right direction, we want to take steps towards Jesus, but in our hearts we believe that we will not actually see change in our lives.   Even though we may do and say the right things, the attitudes of our hearts govern the actual outcomes of our efforts.  The truth is that even though Jesus honors our efforts to be obedient to His commands, He knows the inward attitudes of our hearts.  I knew before I even took a step that I would sink.  I sunk.  What would happen if I placed my faith in Jesus and before I took a step, actually believed that Jesus could and would do such a powerful act in my life?

I started to think about all the areas of my life where God has given me hope and vision.  I thought about the people I would like to know Jesus, but even though I pray for them I do not actually believe in my heart they will come to know Him because they are so bitter and angry.  I think of how Jesus has inspired me to excellence in physical health.  I go to the gym and count calories, but I do not really believe that I will ever achieve the goal weight and condition set before me.  I dream of graduating from seminary without any student loans and I know this is possible, but I do not believe in my heart that this will happen.  Jesus sees my attempts and knows my thoughts, but he knows about my lack of faith and my inward doubts.

When Thomas doubted that Jesus was resurrected, Jesus was very patient with him.  He showed Thomas His nail scarred hands and His pierced side, but he told Thomas that the blessed are those who do not see and yet still believe.  Jesus is patient with us in our unbelief, but He blesses those who do not see the outcome and yet still believe in their hearts.

As I strive to better follow Jesus, I pray that He helps me with my unbelief.  I am taking steps to increase my faith with God, like applying to seminary but not applying for loans and still going to the gym and calorie counting even though I struggle daily to remain faithful to my fitness plan.  Above all, I must remember that the event or the outcome is not the object of my faith, but Jesus is the God in Whom my faith is centered.  When we see Jesus as the owner and operator of our lives, it becomes easier to take steps of faith because it is actually His Spirit in us doing the work.

Even in Connecticut's smallest towns, Jesus speaks as long as we are listening.  True story.

Do Christians want God to change?

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In addition to my study of Jeremiah, I have begun to study the Gospel of John.  Though God's mercy and love is demonstrated throughout the totality of the scriptures, reading of the "Lamenting Prophet" Jeremiah and his difficult life of proclaiming the judgment of God can wear on a man's heart.  I found joy in God's Word, but my empathy for Jeremiah can actually cause me to feel a bit depressed.  We must always read the Old Testament through the lens of Jesus' love for us.  In my weakness I have found it challenging to do that lately, so I am reading through John to better understand Jesus' love and His involvement in the Old Testament.

Many opponents of the Holy Scriptures say that God is very different in the Old Testament from the New Testament.  It is difficult to ignore the seeming change in His personality, but I am on a personal mission to understand God's character in the fullness of the Scriptures and not just the "happy-go-lucky ones" that evangelicals like to quote.  I do not believe God's personality changed at all.  I believe He has remained the same throughout the Bible and throughout all of time.  I know that God is the same God in the Old and New Testaments and that He is always loving, from beginning to end.  We as disciples must stand by our God in all He has done, not just since 01 A.D.

The answers to the accusations of the non-believing are found in the scriptures.  This is why we must "meditate on His word both day and night" like the psalmists did.  In His Word, we find Him.  I want Him - the real Him - not the universalist Him of post post postmodern church (how many posts are we at now?) or the hippie Jesus of the Emergent Village or the overly Caucasian one who looks like Richard Simmons holding sheep on the stained glass windows of the orthodox churches.  I want Him as He is, not as we would like Him to be.

I do not stand by the theology of The Shack, where God will portray Himself as we need Him to be so we can hear from Him.  God will never portray Himself as anything else than His true self and His true self is beyond sufficient, beyond perfect.  Christ followers, like me, need to repent of asking God to be something that He is not but ought rather to seek Him as He is.  So many people are offended when someone else "tries to change" them.  We see relationships fall apart, friendships and families broken, businesses splitting and churches crumbling - all because we feel someone or something is "trying to change us."  "I can't date him, he was trying to change me" or "She didn't love me for me, she loved me for who she wanted me to be."  The examples of this are endless.  We like that God accepts us as we are.  So many churches have broken off from other churches because they found the original church to be judgmental and did not allow people to "come as they are."  Yet, do we allow God to come as He is?  We ask that God accept us as we are but are we willing to extend the same courtesy to Him?  Or do we want Him to be different so that way we can come as we are?

I believe that God is always loving.  I believe that we can go before His throne by the Name of Jesus and if we pray with a genuine and sincere heart, He will wash away our inequity and He will listen to and even grant our prayers.  I believe that God has infinite patience with His children, that He relents from sending calamity but is not hesitant to discipline those He loves.  I believe that Jesus is not really concerned about the exterior presentation of ourselves, but is more concerned about the matters of the heart (the exterior presentations change when the heart changes).

Because of the aforementioned character qualities of God, He has permitted us to each approach Him individually and uniquely.  I believe that in His mercy and wisdom He has allowed some of us to better understand certain character qualities about Him than other character qualities about Him.  My girlfriend better understands His mercy and that is characterized in her life and spiritual gifts.  I better understand His justice and His discipline and my relational and teaching style demonstrates my identification with that attribute of God.  However, we must be careful not to morph God into our preferred character of Him.  It would be a sin for me to say that God is without mercy and it would be a sin for my girlfriend to say that God is without justice.  And each of us ought learn how to allow each of the character qualities of God to infiltrate our hearts.  I know Lauren would desire for me to be more merciful.  And she is right, I need to be more merciful, patient and compassionate.  Yet it would be a sin if she desired God to be more merciful and less just (she does not have this desire, but I write this for illustrative purposes only).

So many of our ministries and churches experience schisms and pain because of our preference for how God ought to be portrayed because we believe that the Bible is insufficient in allowing God to defend and portray Himself.  Christians often say that our teaching and churches ought to bring the Scriptures to life, but the Scriptures never died.  The Scriptures are the Words of Life.  Where God destroys Sodom and Gomorrah, He is perfect and loving.  When Jesus dies on the cross, He is just and wonderful.  When God curses the creation because of Adam and Eve's disobedience, He is fair and affectionate.  When Jesus heals the blind man, He is jealous and magnificent.  We cannot say that God is one quality at one time and then another quality at a different time if we mean that he ceases to be other qualities during that time.  We can say that Jesus was merciful when He healed, but that does not mean He ceased being a vengeful God.  We can say that God was jealous and just when He destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, but we cannot say that He ceased to be loving and caring during that time.  He is always all things and He never ceases to be faithful to any part of His character.

I write all of these things because I personally struggle with understanding God and His different character qualities.  The Cross is the best example from the Scriptures that I can think of where so many of God's character qualities were portrayed at the same time.  His love and compassion for mankind was shown when Jesus died for our sins.  His justice and wrath were satisfied by the brutal beating of His only begotten Son.  His mercy was extended to all people through the Cross, but only because His vengeance was fulfilled by Christ.  He is holy and did not compromise the standard of perfection, but was perfectly humble when the Word became flesh and lived among us.

I hope that through prayer and study I can come to a better understanding of God.  I hope this not only for my own personal walk with Him, but so I can better teach about Him and share about His total goodness with others.  He's my Father - not a far off distant one, but He has raised me since my teenage years.  He has taught me all that I know.  He has gifted us all with various gifts and permits those who repent of their wickedness to enjoy intimacy with Himself.

In our journey towards greater intimacy with God, we must not change anything about Him so we are more comfortable with Him.  I can't help but wonder how different Christianity would look on the earth if we allowed God to simply come as He is, rather than changing Him so we can come as we are.

My girlfriend put me in the penalty box

My girlfriend Lauren recently made mention that my blogs have not included as many "true stories" from my life as they did previously.  There are stories that I would like to share but I often do not because they involve others who may not appreciate me posting a story that is true to them as well.  Most of the lessons I have been learning find their roots in interpersonal conflict.  Someone says something, I disagree, a "discussion" ensues, I take time to seek out God, God speaks to me about certain issues and then I tell the "other party" what I have learned and we resolve to move on.  However, I am going to totally disregard everything that I just wrote and tell a true story from my weekend.

Lauren took me to my first live hockey game.  I enjoyed the game, hoped for fights (because that's the Christian thing to do) and ate unhealthy food.  Perfect night for a guy.  One of my friends asked me, "How did you go that long without going to a hockey game?"  I answered, "Very simply.  I never went to one before." My father's side of the family is Canadian and German.  Despite most Canadians' affinity to hockey, there was no affection for the sport from my family.  As far as culture for my dad's side, it just meant that everyone went by their middle names and ate sauerkraut.  Hockey didn't seem to fall on the radar.

Lauren does what most girlfriends do at sporting events: she talked.  I'm okay with that because I like talking to her.  She's funny and she gets the way I think.  She's not afraid to disagree with me or challenge me, which is important.  I have been told by a lot people that I intimidating to confront.  I'm not sure if that's because I have a broad chest and a bald head and an earring (Mr. Clean basically) or because I am always up for a debate or because I'm a cry baby, but Lauren is good at calling me out.  It annoys me sometimes, but she is typically right and is getting better at lovingly putting me in my place.

So Lauren and I are talking and I say, "I'm thinking of creating a website for me."  Lauren replied, "For what?"  I replied, "For my blogs, my sermons, so people can book me to speak at a church or an event or something.  I also think that I should have a Facebook fan page so people can like it and I can get subscribers (I think I said followers, but I meant subscribers) so more than 26 people read my blog."  She then asked, "Isn't it God's job to do that?"

That totally annoyed me.  "Lauren, if I had a lawn mowing business, would it be wrong for me to promote that?  Should I just expect Jesus to magically bring me lawns or customers?"  Lauren, sensing she hit a sore spot, backed off.  She said, "Okay, Stephen, do what you think is best" which means "I still think you're wrong but it's not worth the argument because we're out having fun."  I was not going to let her put me in the metaphorical penalty box with a closer like that.  "Fine, I won't build the site or the page."  I was annoyed because she had burst my bubble and she was annoyed because I was acting like I was five years old.

Lauren and I have been agreed that when we sense an argument coming on that we get right to the root of the matter.  Basically, we have agreed to ask the other what we are really arguing about.  I took the opportunity to explain how I was feeling.  Pointing to the minor league hockey players, I said, "You see these guys sitting on the bench?  They all probably dream of playing for the NHL.  Everyone has dreams and everyone takes steps towards living those dreams out.  Just because my dream involves Jesus and preaching, I'm not supposed to do anything to advance?"  Lauren responded with, "Well all these guys are in the minor leagues so they can prepare for the major leagues, right?  If you don't have all the growth and experiences of being in the minor league, how can you prepare for the majors?  How are you going to counsel married couples when you're not married?  You can't do a marriage series yet, Stephen," she said with a chuckle.

"I feel like you just want to arrive at where you want to be and where you know God will lead you.  Why are you in such a hurry?"  BAM!  She got it.  She was right.  Through our conversation, she was able to correctly identify that I was lacking satisfaction with where I am in my life currently.  I am so focused on what God is going to do and how I would like to serve Him that I am missing the blessing of the journey of growth and maturation in my faith.  She lovingly pointed out that I was more focused on myself and not on the Lord.  And after she did this, she encouraged me by highlighting the things that God has blessed me with thus far.  I mean, there's a reason why I am dating Lauren.

As she spoke, God reminded me of the verses that talk about waiting (Isaiah 40:31) and being still (Psalm 46:10).  "Ugh, God I just want to do this thing.  I just want to get out there and do the work."  The Holy Spirit reminded me of David, who in 2 Samuel 7 went to build the Lord a house because he felt that the ark of the covenant should not dwell in a tent.  David's desire was to do something wonderful for God, but the Lord told Nathan to stop David from building the house.  God basically says, "Since when did I ever ask to live in a house?"  While God recognized that David's motives were love and excitement about his King, God did not want anything done that He had not commanded to be done.  The Holy Spirit said that I was being like David.  God had not told me to build a website or a Facebook "fan page."  We often think that sin is not doing what we have been told to do.  Sin is also doing something that we have not been told to do.

Lauren is a wonderful woman and her insight, discernment and mercy point me to the Lord.  In fact, had she not confronted me about my motives I may not have heard the prompting of the Holy Spirit in that moment.  We ought not to move forward without the Lord's promptings.  Haste does not just make waste; it can be sin as well.  Doing something for God that He hasn't asked us to do can have serious consequences, just like doing something that He has told us not to do can as well.  God desires obedience more than He desires passion.

So for those of you who prefer the conversational true stories from normal life, this one is for you.  So, um, yeah.  True story.