All the single ladies, if you like it then get prepared to fight for it.

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So I was sitting in the movie theater, watching the movie previews.  I love movie previews.  They are like a cocktail party - no real entree, just lots of appetizers.  A preview for the movie entitled "Warrior" played and I was super excited about this movie.  I love watching movies where men are living in a state of physical and emotional mediocrity when they experience a sudden motivation to pursue a dream or a vision that requires them to participate in intense training.  There is something about this story line that causes men's hearts to jump.  I do not think most men understand that the reason their hearts jump is because God created them to be "Wild at Heart" (thanks, John).  Men are designed to fight for those they love and the visions and dreams placed upon their hearts.  Most of society does not recognize this truth because spiritual forces of darkness have done all they can to eliminate this part of a man's heart.  Very few stand strongly to endure the "training" the Lord has prepared in advance for them so they can walk in the glory that God has planned.

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While watching this preview, I noticed something that I had not noticed when watching similar movies and previews in the past.  I noticed the role of the women in the film.  Two brothers are in a cage, prepared to begin a mixed martial arts fights, and their girlfriends or wives are sitting in the audience cheering them on.  The women were seemingly excited for their (presumed) husbands, deeply invested and involved in their vision, their dream, their battle, their story.  Great men who take center stage to fight for themselves or for others often have an even greater woman behind them.  I think of ministers and servants that I have met over the years and how they have shared that their wives and girlfriends are a great source of inspiration and encouragement to them.  I have seen this in my own life.  I do not think that I would have the success that I have been having with my physical health had I not been pushed by Lauren.

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I remembered that God created Eve to be Adam's "ezer kenegdo."  This is often translated as helpmate or help meet, but this translation has the implication that Eve (and therefore all women) is supposed to be helping the man with his house projects and making all of his meals.  I am not too sure that is what God had in mind.  From my limited understanding of the Hebrew, ezer or azar is better defined as protector, aid, help and support.  It is usually used in context to describe military assistance or even help from the Lord Himself.  Kenegdo is a preposition meaning "face to face" or "corresponding to."  Combining the two terms suggests that the wives are created to be sources of strength, protection, help and support who are equally as significant and important as their husbands.  Notice the Satan talks to Eve before he talks to Adam, not necessarily because Eve is the "weaker sex," but because she is the source of Adam's strength.  Women are on the front-lines for their marriages because Satan knows to eliminate the very person who refreshes the heart of a man, who spurs him into battle.

Whenever I write about the roles of men and women in marriage and relationships, I usually get a bunch of hate mail.  "Stephen, you're not married, what do you know?"  "Come on, you know that wives are supposed to submit to their husbands" (read the rest of the verses, men).  "I refuse to submit to my husband, I've got dreams of my own" (pride, much?)  The bigger the reaction and the greater the amount of defensiveness, the more God confirms for me that I have pierced to a sensitive area that needs to be addressed.

It amazes me how Jesus speaks through silly things like movie previews.  Women, be encouraged.  Each of you are so vital and so necessary for God's glory to be demonstrated on earth.  Cheer for your men as they fight for their own hearts, the hearts of others, for their families and for their relationships.  Men, honor and love your girlfriends and wives as Christ loves the Church.  If women honor their men and men honor their women, no one feels unloved or hurt.  Everyone's needs are met.  Leave the forbidden fruit of self interest in your past and enjoy the remainder of the garden.  I promise total and complete amazement.  True story.

I eat happy meals in the valley of dry bones

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Last night I decided that I needed to be unavailable to the world so I could spend time with God.  Sounds so holy and righteous, but I did it because I have been neglecting God lately.  I have been offering Him prayers and worship on my commute and in between meetings.  And while I am sure that He is pleased to hear from me during those times, my spirit can only run on empty for so long.  After a stressful couple of days, I knew that God and I needed some time together.

I sat with Jesus and we talked for a while, but nothing really seemed to go according to plan.  I always imagine that I am going to go before God, He is going to speak something powerful to my heart and I will walk away and  implement the new instruction or principle.  My drive thru version of God was not satisfied last night.  I did not get to wait in line, place my order, receive my order and carry on with my day.  I think Jesus finally closed my personal drive thru.  I think He wants me to go inside to the restaurant to speak to the manager.  Last night I was able to speak to the Manager and it was wonderful.  He didn't say much back when I asked for better menu options, but He listened and provided me with a deep level of peace.  And then He put me to sleep.  (Perhaps that's God's version of saying, "Okay, okay, be quiet" and poof, I fall asleep.)

I wonder what happens in our hearts when He does this.  Last time I read about this happening, Adam woke up with a wife.  Now I am not suggesting that I expect God to have me married by the end of the week.  Besides, I have not had enough time to send invitations.  I will wait patiently (or not so patiently at times) upon  God to see what it is He has for my heart and for His glory.  I know that if we delight in the Lord, He grants us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4).  I have referenced that Scripture quite frequently lately, but I am clinging to its promise.  That promise from God has become my source of inspiration to continue through the valley of dry bones.

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The valley of dry bones.  I actually do not know that Bible story too well.  Perhaps I'll reread that today and God will use it to speak to my heart.  Sometimes, I expect that by this time in my life and ministry that I would have all the Bible knowledge in my mind and my life would finally come together in "pastoral perfection."  Do you know what I mean by that?  I think most of us think that pastors, worship leaders, speakers, writers, and other leaders always hold life together in perfection and have this super duper connection with Jesus that we do not.  Shoot.  Sometimes I am amazed that Jesus still wants to chat with me or use me for anything, especially when I treat Him like my own personal McDonald's and I get upset when my Happy Meal does not come with a toy.

I think God has brought me to the point in my faith where toys from children's meals no longer satisfy me.  To be less metaphorical and black-rimmed glasses, I mean that God is showing me that quick fixes and fleeting happy moments in my highly caloric diet of self are no longer acceptable.  I would rather eat the food that comes without a toy but nourishes my heart.  And to be literal again, I mean that I would rather encounter and swallow truth that will grow my faith than live from mountain top experience to mountain top experience.  I desire that we would all surrender everything to Jesus and revere Him for being the perfect Manager.  I dream that we would all step out of the drive thru and that we would dine with the Manager, learning all we can learn from Him.  Imagine if Christians stopped asking for quick fixes and went to the heart of the problem with an assertive passion for peace in our hearts and lives.  Happy Meal toys are really cute and all, but they only distract us from the fact that we are about to consume filth for food.  True story.

Christians should fight more

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I was at the gym yesterday, listening to a sermon by Mark Driscoll as I was doing my cardio. Mark was preaching about fighting for the glory of God in our relationships. I thought that to be an interesting topic, considering that so much of the Church is not participating in the fight but watching those Christians who do as if it were a Pay-Per-View event. Mark taught that Christians who feel wronged ought to confront the person who wrongs them and to forgive, while those who are wrongdoers ought to repent and confess their sin to God and to the person they have wronged. Furthermore, he taught that forgiveness is not overlooking or denying the existence of wrongdoing, but choosing not to hold resentment, bitterness, and malice towards one another. It is the Christian’s privilege to forgive, to release a person from personal judgment and shame, but also to maintain Godly accountability. The sermon caught my attention and it was enough to get me through my weight lifting as well.

Fighting for the glory of God in our relationships – how many of us are willing to do that? Working in the non-profit community mental heath sector, I see my co-workers fight for a crime free society by addressing social issues and needs (pretty lofty of a goal without introducing Jesus as the solution). I hear of politicians fighting over balanced (or very imbalanced) budgets. I see people in the gym fighting to lose weight, I see clients fighting to remain drug free and I see the unemployed fighting to find jobs. We all have our fights – to pay our bills, take care of our children, find personal time, etc. For a society that is so experienced in fighting to advance, the divorce rate skyrockets and the family unit is slowly coming undone in the United States. Personal accountability is absent and our relational intimacy as a Church is at an all time low. We are all fighting for ourselves, but are we fighting for the glory of God in our relationships?

"Fighting for the glory of God" is very Christianese. It sounds really holy, really righteous, but what does it even mean?* Maybe that is why we are not good at fighting for the glory of God. We have no clue what it means to do that. I am certainly no expert in Jesus style karate. However, as a society we know what it means to fight for something. We give something our fullest effort, placing our strongest and best foot forward. We work hard, deny ourselves and learn all we can on how to be the most proficient and efficient at the task at hand.

Perhaps fighting for the God’s glory occurs when we place the same intensity and effort into Biblical commands, specifically regarding how we interact with one another. There are commands to love another (John 13:34), to do nothing with oneself in mind but to count other’s needs as more pertinent than our own (Phil. 2:3), and to respect and honor each other the same exact way we would like to be respected and honored (Matthew 7:12). This is the way that Jesus treats us. We love Him and honor Him and give Him thanks because He consistently loves us, working all things together for our good (Romans 8:28), caring about the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). And we strive to be like Jesus, to be Christlike in our behavior and interactions.

I am learning how to fight for those I love. I do not pretend to have this stuff down or to be the best at doing these things. I struggle with balancing my own personal needs and boundaries with loving others selflessly. Still, I am encouraged by the vision of relational intimacy between believers that can foster an environment of vulnerability and passion. I imagine a Church where there is no gossip or backbiting, no lying or manipulating, filled with absolute transparency and genuine unity. I imagine marriages consumed with glory for God, overwhelmed with undying love in the most selfless of commitments to lifetime intimacy. I imagine a Church, consumed with purpose as it sharpens each member’s swords as iron sharpens iron. We can live out this dream. True story.

*Mark Driscoll’s sermon "How to Fight for the Glory of God" is rather relevant and may be worth checking out.

Beauty for cigarette ashes

It has been too long since my last blog entry.  During the past few weeks, I have experienced some rather challenging trials and temptations and by the grace of God I stand.  The Lord has led me out of Connecticut for the weekend.  And in the past 24 hours, the Lord has been showing pieces of His character to me in typical "True Story" fashion.

I recall one of my first blog entries entitled, "Lord, give me a Lincoln."  Similar to my friend Drew's experience, Jesus gave me a Jacuzzi and king-sized bed.  I was sitting in my hotel room when a faint smell of cigarette smoke  permeated my room.  Suddenly, the smell was intense and I was coughing.  While at one point in my life I embraced the smell of cigarettes, now it flares up my asthma and irritates my allergies pretty severely.  Concerned for my health and my voice (if I can't sing or speak, I'm kind of in a load of trouble), I contacted the hotel front desk.  The woman told she would be right up, but never came.  I was tempted to become angry, but God granted me strength to see this as an opportunity to allow Him to work.  I prayed that He would grant me peace and that He would protect my health.

After waiting for about 25 minutes, I went back downstairs to the front desk and waited until a staff member came up with me.  I learned a while ago that if I want people to move quickly, hang around and stare at them so that the person wants me to go away.  I have never really seen this plan fail, but it does annoy the garbage out of customer service associates.  After about five minutes of staring and pacing, a gentlemen came up to my room and sprayed some smoke eliminator spray in the room.  Not quite the solution I was expecting, but I thought we would give it a try.  During this time, I learned that if one mixes airborne chemical solutions with cigarette smoke, asthma likes that even less.  Now I was breathing in flavored secondhand smoke.  And while hookah is quite the passing fancy, I planned to have both lungs fully functioning in the morning.  I hate to make a fuss, but Lauren reminded me that I paid full price for my non-smoking room so I should get full service.  (Thanks, Lauren.)

I went down to the front desk, asked for a room change and the staff did so without an issue.  I was given a room two floors away, where the air quality was a bit better and not tinged with the smell of Marlboro Floral Lights.  I walked into the room to find a king sized bed, a Jacuzzi and my own little suite with marble counter tops (well, maybe not real marble but it looks fancy).  I had received an upgrade of sorts, a promotion to a better resting place.  I laughed (and coughed) when I entered my new room.  The more I learn about God's sense of humor and character, the more I trust Him.  Of course He would give me my own suite.  He loves me.

I find this all to be ironic.  When I was originally making reservations, I nearly paid significantly more for a luxury suite to "treat myself."  I thought, "Gee, I sure do deserve a break for all the hard work I do."  Dave Ramsey's voice echoed in my mind that I need to live like no one else is living now so I can live like no one else is living later.  So I reserved the standard full sized bed at a Holiday Inn Express, though with a bit of hesitation.  And in the end of it all, Jesus granted me the desires of my heart.

Psalm 37:4 tells us to delight in the Lord and He will give us the desires of our hearts.  My problem is that when I read that verse, I want it without adversity, trial or battle.  Yet we cannot have a victory if there is not a battle.  There can only be a victory if defeat was once a possibility.   Endure some cigarette smoke and some industrial Febreeze in our lives and we will see what God gives us.  Paul was not lying when he wrote that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).  He really does exchange His beauty for our ashes.  True story.

Watch out, he's in pieces on the floor.

My personal goal for blogging is that I would be able to post every day, at least Monday through Friday.  I rarely meet that goal and today is one of the days that I would prefer not to blog.  It's ironic to me that I wrote about m&m's yesterday, using them as a metaphor for the hardening of the human heart.  I find it more tempting as time goes on to harden my heart too.  It is so much easier to do that than it is to remain vulnerable, responsive and tender.  I think of the "parable of the yelping dog" post from two days ago.  I wonder how yelping dogs cannot harden their hearts when they feel as if they are continually cast aside.  I do not write my blogs to be overly positive and unrealistic.  It is awful in this world, it is full of so much emotional and spiritual distress.  How do yelping dogs survive and not become m&m's?  Better yet, how does God handle yelping dogs who have become m&m's?  The illustration of the ice bag may apply.

There was a man who went to the store to purchase a bag of ice.  Upon arriving at the store, he searched the store for the freezer that stored all the bags of ice.  After searching for some time, the man found the ice bags but noticed that all the bags were frozen solid.  No bag had been broken up so that the ice was useful for cooling drinks or storing food.  The man found the bag that appeared to be the most prepared to be broken up.  The man took the bag, lifted it up to his chest and dropped the bag on the floor.  The ice broke into cube shaped pieces, perfect for their intended purpose.  The man purchased the bag and the ice was then put to good use.

So many of our hearts are just one block of ice.  We have stayed in the freezer so long that the parts of our hearts designed to be used for a specific purpose have formed together into a hardened block of cold.  I feel like God is the business of breaking up that ice into pieces that can be put to work.  He searches for the heart that will respond to this brokenness.  When God takes us up to His chest, we feel so intimately close to Him and we rejoice over His blessings.  And God drops us on the ground of brokenness, of hurt and pain, of fear and abandonment.  We cry out as our hardened core lays in pieces in this bag of a body.  While we feel that God has forsaken us, He cries as He watches our pain and says, "If you only knew what this will do for you.  I am preparing you to be put to use."  

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Though this parable reflects a deep spiritual truth, I feel that it does not mollify the pain of being broken.  I think that is one of the reasons why God gives us community, so we can break into pieces into the arms of those who love us.  So many believers see the ice bag drop and even break.  They run to grab a "Caution" sign so others do not slip and hope the situation will resolve itself.  As members of the Christian community, we have a responsibility to our brothers and sisters to participate in the brokenness process.  We are to treat others as we desire to be treated.  How would we like to be treated if we were the bag of ice on the ground?  "I'd just want to be left alone, let me figure it out."  I am not so sure that is the truth.  I am not so sure broken ice bags can figure out anything by themselves, actually.  In some circumstances, without our knowing, we may even be the person that God uses to lift the ice and drop it on the floor.  Furthermore, we have a responsibility to involve ourselves in ice block formation prevention (sounds so public safety-like, doesn't it?).  By sharing our hearts with others, by not being an m&m, by stepping out of the position of the ambivalent observer, we can help others remain responsive and tender as well.

I am not sure if I really answered the questions that I asked in the first paragraph of today's post.  I am still working through these things in my own heart.  I am fighting to remain tender and responsive, doing all I know how to not be an m&m.  Sometimes I just want to take out a pen and write a big "M" on my stomach.  Take that world!  And then I remember that the only person "taking that" is me.  If something causes us to want to label our bellies like chocolate candies, something is certainly wrong (and we might want to consult psychological help at that point).  In all seriousness, whatever causes us to want to put a shell around our hearts needs some serious attention.

God will break up the ice blocks in his flock.  "I'm not an ice block!  This doesn't apply to me."  Oh my friend, it may apply to you the most.  True story.

Melting your heart, letting go of command.

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As I was driving to the post office for work yesterday, my mind began to wander as it often does. Maybe one day I will keep my head where my feet are, though I imagine that there is nothing exciting about thinking of driving to the post office. As my mind wandered, I thought about the people in my life who tend to have a bit of a shell around their hearts. From family and friends to my clients or patients, it seems that so many have sealed their hearts with some form of enamel. They seem to be almost hard on the outside, invulnerable to the words and actions of others. In fact, some of them tend to be the most sarcastic and biting, the most dismissive and angry. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I’ll use my words or habitual emotional absence to make sure it doesn’t happen" seems to be the general attitude. After thinking about this for a few minutes, I realized that the reason that we all love M&M’s is because we are very similar to them. We have a hard protective shell that we have sealed around the best tasting, most enjoyable part of us: our hearts.

Our world is full of so much disappointment, hurt and pain that it becomes nearly justifiable to harden our hearts. Being "soft" is often frowned upon and is frequently seen as a sign of weakness. "Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve," "Life is tough, get a helmet," and "Only the strong survive." These expressions have woven themselves into the fabric of our society, encouraging us to disguise our gentleness with a mask of false security. Our hearts dance in a continuous masquerade, pretending to be invested in others while really hiding the inward truths of our soul.

Our fear is that if we break the shell, we would melt all over the place. We fear that our hearts would be exposed, to be hurt or touched by someone else. If we open the door to the truths and vulnerabilities of our hearts, the world would move in and take advantage of our gentleness. And sadly, there is some validity to those fears. Our world is wicked. It’s true. People hurt other people. Adam and Eve hurt each other. Here we are. It is incredibly tempting to remain protected by a coating, even if it is colorful and attractive, making us look held together and strong. I would encourage us to continue to do this if it were Biblical or Christ-like. It is neither.

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart" (Ezk. 36:26 NLT). Responsive and tender. Would we consider our hearts responsive and tender? Does a responsive and tender heart have a hardened shell around it, preventing its beauties from being seen by the outside world? Responsive implies that we are compassionate, sharing our hearts, operating from a genuine care and love for others. It implies that we are sensitive to the heart of the heavenly Father as well as those He has placed in our lives. Tender suggests that our response ought to be gentle, that our hearts ought not to be jerky but the softest of meats. It takes more time and effort to offer a tender and soft piece of filet mignon then it does to hand someone a burnt hamburger. This Biblical truth requires that we work to maintain a soft heart. It tells us to share it with others and battle to remain tender and responsive.

I can almost hear the arguments. "That’s my business" or "You have no idea what happened to me." My clients say it all the time. "You don’t know what I have been through." Or the infamous, "You don’t know me." I have learned that the harder the shell, the softer the core is behind it. I am not saying that we should not guard our hearts. That too is a Biblical command. I am merely commenting on the motives for guarding it. The verse does not mean post two Centurions at the door and do not let anyone in. The command means that Jesus lives in our hearts (He is the wellspring of life) and that we ought not to be foolish in what we allow inside our hearts to cohabitate with Jesus.

Allow the shell around our hearts to break. Melt a little. Be tender and responsive. It is not often that people share a story about how blessed they were by a tough guy. True story.

The parable of the yelping dog

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I was driving home the other night.  It was rather late into the night, a time where most people are inside the for the remainder of their evenings, perhaps about to get into bed.  And on a busy street, I saw a man jogging with his dog.  The man was jogging at a fairly rapid pace and the dog was doing mostly well at keeping up with the man.  Suddenly, I heard a loud yelping sound.  I looked more closely through the darkness to see a  second dog running after the jogger and the other dog.  The second dog was yelping, almost sounding as if he were crying, as he pursued the man and the other dog.  His tail was so far between his legs that it was obvious this dog was not being aggressive or chasing the other two maliciously.  In his own way, this dog was asking for help.  The man looked back on occasion but continued jogging at the same rate of speed.  The other dog also kept looking back, only to be jerked by the leash to continue onward.  The whole scene hurt my heart a little.

How many of us can identify with the second dog?  We chase our dreams, we follow after love, we continue to encourage ourselves to be the people who God has made us to be.  And we find that no matter how hard we try to keep up, no matter how much we yelp for help, no matter how much our hearts are hurting as we pursue what or who we find worthy of pursuit, we feel that we cannot measure up.  While I am certainly not a dog whisperer, I imagine the dog to be saying, "Wait up!  I just want to be with you guys.  I can't keep up, I just want to be a part of what you're doing.  Please wait, please give me a second to catch up, please stop making me do all this work, please let me be a dog that can simply play fetch and do the things that I like to do."  The man's implied message is hurtful.  "Keep up, mutt.  You need me to stop here, stop there, rest here.  You're slowing me down.  You ask too much."  The first dog looks back and wonders, "Maybe we ought to give this guy a break.  He sounds like he is hurting."  And the man replies, "Don't worry about him.  He'll shape up or ship out."

While this is a very imaginative account of these three characters, I think a story like this applies to so many of our lives.  Who is the jogger in your life?  Who is the person who has told you that you are an inconvenience? Has anyone told you that you are slowing him/her down?  Maybe you are the jogger.  Perhaps you feel that everyone else around you is preventing you from living the way you want to live.  Yelping dogs are inconveniences on your adventure to self-satisfaction.  Perhaps you're the first dog, looking at that jogger and the hurting dog and thinking, "Something isn't quite right here.  Maybe I should do something."

The hurting and oppressed, the ambivalent observer, and the seemingly unaffected person setting the acceptable pace and status quo will always be a part of our society and lives.  Still, there is a fourth character missing from our story.  We are missing the person who denies his or herself, who places value on the other person's needs over his or her own.  We are missing the person who says, "I am here to rescue you, tired dog.  I am here to restore you with my love and I am here to offer you all of me."  For so many of us, Jesus did this.  And in Jesus' infinite wisdom, He creates our relationships with others to do the same thing.  He provides us with marriage to allow us to participate in the most intimate of relationships, where we rest in who we are and find shelter from a hurting world.  He gives us the Christian community, where we can find support and help if we are a yelping dog, an emotionally absent jogger or a uncertain observer.  The list of provisions goes on.

Ultimately, who will we decide to be in this story?  If we look at our lives, we will see that we represent a character in this parable.  Perhaps we are the jogger to one person and the ambivalent audience to another.  Perhaps we feel like the yelping dog in one relationship, but in another we turn into the jogger.  We have the opportunity to be the fourth person, to be the one does the rescuing.  It is not easy to think less of ourselves, to deny ourselves to better love another.  It is not easy to reach those that we do not want to reach.  Perhaps it would stretch us beyond what we desire or what we are prepared to do.

If it were easy, we would not need a God who can provide us perfect strength.  Somewhere, we all find a place in this true story.